MARCH 9, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dodd Praises National Sane Policy Leaders. Impact: Dodd's enthusiastic support for the Sane Nuclear Policy Unit led to a string of increasingly bizarre nuclear safety measures. By the 2020s, a group of overly caffeinated teenagers claiming to be the 'Nuclear Noodles' was lobbying for the right to wear helmets made of pasta as protective gear in nuclear zones.. Fact: In case you were wondering, 'Sane Nuclear Policy' is definitely not a title suggested by a committee meeting after a few too many drinks..
• Headline: Assembly Overhauls Insanity Defense Law. Impact: The abolition of the M'Naghten Rule sent shockwaves through the legal system, resulting in a future where criminals could simply claim they were 'having a bad day.' This trend peaked in 2045, when a notorious bank robber argued he was 'just really hungry' for donuts and was acquitted.. Fact: Psychiatrists everywhere rejoiced, not least because they could now bill clients for 'emotional distress' related to their criminal behavior, which sounds like an excellent business model..
• Headline: LIBERALS BACK 6 BILLS; Ask Legislators to Support Them and Defeat Seventh. Impact: The Liberal party's attempts to pass six bills while defeating the seventh sparked a nationwide game of legislative whack-a-mole, leading to the creation of a new genre of political memes that still dominate social media today.. Fact: Legislators are actually trained in the ancient art of bill juggling. It’s all fun and games until someone accidentally votes for the wrong one..
• Headline: Migrant Inqiury Fund Voted. Impact: The approval of funds for migrant issues led to an unprecedented surge in public interest in immigration, resulting in a reality show called 'Migrant Makeover' that aired for three seasons before viewers finally realized it was not what they thought.. Fact: In 2023, it was revealed that the show’s producers had no idea what they were doing, which is basically the motto of every government committee ever..
• Headline: JESUIT SEES GAINS BY U.S. CATHOLICS; Editor of America Calls for Greater Role in Cultural, Civic and Social Affairs. Impact: The Jesuit call for greater involvement in social affairs led to a surprising increase in clergy-led community karaoke nights, resulting in a bizarre mashup of hymns and pop songs that left many questioning their faith.. Fact: You haven’t truly experienced church until you've heard a priest rap about the Beatitudes. It's a real game changer..
• Headline: Denies Campaign Role. Impact: Crommelin's denial of campaign involvement became a go-to excuse for politicians everywhere, eventually leading to a widespread cultural phenomenon where everyone in politics has a 'Crommelin Clause' in their contracts.. Fact: The phrase 'I’m not involved' has now been officially added to the political lexicon, right next to 'I did not have financial relations with that organization.'.
• Headline: Conrad Circles Globe in 8 Days. Impact: Conrad's world record for a round-the-globe trip inspired a generation of daredevils who mistakenly thought that traveling by plane was too easy, leading to a short-lived popularity of 'underwater cycling' as a new extreme sport.. Fact: Spoiler alert: underwater cycling is not a thing, and those attempts usually resulted in either wet socks or a lot of confused fish..
• Headline: NKRUMAH CONFERS AT WHITE HOUSE; BACKS U.N. EFFORT; Ghanaian Urges Arms Use in Congo Crisis if Needed -- Gizenga Restates Claim NKRUMAH TALKS WITH PRESIDENT. Impact: Nkrumah's discussions at the White House about Congo paved the way for future leaders to misunderstand the term 'arms negotiations,' resulting in an annual 'Airsoft Diplomacy' event that features inflatable weapons.. Fact: There’s nothing quite like trying to solve international crises with foam darts and a sense of irony..