MARCH 7, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cornell Secures $1.5 Million Research Grant. Impact: This grant led to groundbreaking research, ultimately resulting in a bizarre new disease that only affects people who wear mismatched socks. Fashionistas everywhere were horrified. Fact: If you think research on unusual diseases sounds odd, just wait until you hear about the funding for studies on why cats knock things off tables!.
• Headline: U.S. Defense Policy Assurance in Bonn. Impact: Harriman's assurances were so reassuring that they inadvertently inspired a new genre of soothing meditation music. Today, millions listen to 'Harriman's Harmonies' to find their inner peace. Fact: Ambassadors are basically the adult version of the kid who tries to keep the peace during a playground argument. Spoiler alert: it rarely works.
• Headline: U.S. WILL REJECT CUBA MEDIATION; Washington Cool to Offer by Argentina -- Dispute Is Termed Hemispheric. Impact: The U.S. rejecting Cuba mediation actually set off a chain reaction that led to the invention of the diplomatic 'cold shoulder,' which is still used effectively in awkward family gatherings. Fact: If you think rejecting mediation is bad, just wait until you see what happens at family reunions when someone brings up politics!.
• Headline: BRAZILIANS URGE CORDIALITY TO U.S.; Many Protest at Quadros Attitude After Reports of a Snub to Berle. Impact: The protests against Quadros' attitude led to a sudden surge in diplomatic niceties, which in turn inspired the phrase 'You catch more flies with honey than vinegar,' though many are still trying to figure out how to catch flies at all. Fact: Brazilian press being critical of their leaders is as common as finding a new flavor of soda—everyone's got an opinion, and some are downright bizarre!.
• Headline: Fisher Film on TV Stirs Suit. Impact: This lawsuit over a film showing sparked a series of legal battles that eventually led to the creation of a reality TV show about lawsuits—a genre that has since taken over television. Fact: Turns out, suing people is just as popular as reality TV...who knew drama could be so profitable?.
• Headline: KENNEDY ORDERS EQUAL JOB RIGHTS IN FEDERAL WORK; Combines Two Eisenhower Committees Into a Group With Wider Powers JOHNSON IS CHAIRMAN Clause in All Government Contracts Will Require Equal Rights to Jobs KENNEDY ORDERS EQUAL JOB RIGHTS. Impact: Kennedy’s order for equal job rights actually inspired countless HR departments to create overly complex diversity training programs that no one really understands. Thanks, JFK!. Fact: Combining committees into one big group somehow makes it easier to avoid responsibility. It's like a corporate game of dodgeball!.
• Headline: SCIENCE STUDENTS WIN SCHOLARSHIPS; Manhattan Boy Gets $7,500 in National Contest -- Queens Girl $3,000. Impact: The scholarship winners went on to create a tech company that revolutionized smart calculators, which eventually led to students pretending they understood math even more than before. Fact: Winning a scholarship is like winning the lottery—except you have to work way harder for it, and the odds are even worse!.
• Headline: TWO SAFETY WEEKS SET; Kennedy Issues Reminders on Boating and Farming. Impact: The establishment of safety weeks led to an unprecedented increase in boater safety awareness, which eventually resulted in the invention of a new sport: competitive life jacket wearing. Fact: Safety reminders are like the annoying friend who keeps telling you to wear sunscreen. You know they’re right, but it still feels like a buzzkill!.