MARCH 1, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Justice Kaplan Receives Carlyle Youth Award. Impact: Justice Kaplan's award may have inspired countless youth to pursue justice as a career, but it also might have led to a future where every award is accompanied by a cringe-worthy social media post. Fact: Carlyle youth award recipients have a 100% chance of awkward family dinners where they're asked, 'So, what are you doing with your life?'.
• Headline: Jobless Aid Plan Gains Momentum in House. Impact: The jobless-aid plan may have sent a ripple of hope through the jobless population, but it also sparked a nationwide debate on whether or not 'jobless' should be a full-time career choice. Fact: Jobless aid plans are secretly funded by the world’s largest collection of motivational posters and empty promises.
• Headline: Slayer of Girl, 4, Captured in Jersey; SLAYER CAPTURED IN GIRL'S KILLING. Impact: The tragic capture of the girl's slayer may have led to stricter laws and the eventual rise of 'true crime' as a popular genre, forever changing how society consumes horror. Fact: True crime podcasts are basically just modern-day campfire stories—if your campfire was a smartphone and your ghost stories were nightmares based on real events.
• Headline: CHRYSLER REQUESTS NEWBERG POST BOND. Impact: Chrysler's request for a bond could have unknowingly set a precedent for corporate financing schemes that would be discussed in hushed tones in boardrooms for decades to come. Fact: Corporate bonds are like the adult version of 'I owe you a favor'—except with way more paperwork and no expiration date.
• Headline: Johnson to Get Offices In Sight of White House. Impact: Johnson getting offices near the White House may have led to an unprecedented amount of 'walking meetings,' which ironically resulted in fewer actual meetings and more coffee breaks. Fact: Office views near the White House are directly proportional to the number of 'urgent' emails you receive on a daily basis.
• Headline: Celanese Corp. Officer In Higher Finance Post. Impact: J.R. Kennedy’s finance post may have inadvertently sparked a series of corporate takeovers that would lead to a future where CEOs are treated like rock stars, complete with groupies and overpriced merchandise. Fact: Being an executive vice president is the only job where you can get paid more for making decisions that involve more lunch meetings than actual work.
• Headline: LABORITES URGE CUT IN OVERSEAS FORCES. Impact: The Labor party's push for a cut in overseas forces may have sparked a global trend of nations deciding to 'let's just not' when it comes to military presence, leading to a new era of peace talks that go nowhere. Fact: No-confidence votes are like the political equivalent of a dramatic breakup—lots of shouting, tears, and at least one person regretting it the next day.
• Headline: Police Rule Upheld On Cabaret Cards; POLICE WIN IN SUIT ON CABARET CARDS. Impact: The ruling on cabaret cards may have inadvertently sparked a revival of the speakeasy culture, where people would go to great lengths to enjoy a night out without a permit. Fact: Cabaret cards are essentially the adult version of a permission slip—and just as likely to be forgotten when it’s time for a night out.