FEBRUARY 3, 1961

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mayor Seeks Authority for Charter Revision. Impact: If Wagner had just let the state handle it, NYC might have become the blueprint for all municipal charters, leading to a future where cities have their own mini-governments. Imagine a world where every city had its own reality TV show based on local politics. 'Real Mayors of New York' anyone?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than getting a city charter changed is getting a cat to take a bath? They both involve a lot of clawing and screaming..
• Headline: U.S. Airlift Capacity Expansion Initiative. Impact: The build-up of airlift capacity was a pivotal moment—if they hadn't ordered those transports, we might have been stuck using carrier pigeons for important military deliveries. Thanks, Pentagon, for sparing us that feathered mess.. Fact: Fun fact: The C-135 was originally designed to refuel bombers in-flight, making it the ultimate multitasker—much like your average American trying to balance work and life..
• Headline: Australia Starting on Cup Yacht; 12-Meter Craft to Be Put in Water Next Fall at Sydney Packer Here to Sign for the America's Challenge Match. Impact: If Australia hadn't started working on that yacht, they might have never discovered their true calling as the world’s most enthusiastic participants in nautical sports. The future could have been a lot more boring without kangaroos in life vests.. Fact: Did you know that the America's Cup is basically rich people's sailing? It's like NASCAR but with more sunburn and fewer left turns..
• Headline: Governor's Advisers Offer Plan For Extending Jobless Benefits. Impact: Extending jobless benefits may have led to a future where people become professional Netflix watchers, significantly increasing popcorn sales and decreasing our collective motivation. Thanks for that, advisors!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing longer than the application process for jobless benefits is the wait time for customer service at your local unemployment office..
• Headline: T.V.A. DENIES ABUSES; Chairman Backs Practice of Buying Without Bids. Impact: If T.V.A. had admitted to abuses, they might have sparked a nationwide scandal that resulted in a reality TV series about government spending. 'Keeping Up with the Cabinet' could have been a hit!. Fact: Did you know that buying equipment without bids is like going to a yard sale without negotiating? You might get a deal, but someone’s probably getting ripped off..
• Headline: January Registers $50,000 Ace; Mengert Leads by Shot on Coast; Dallas Pro Has No Deal to Split Hole-in-One Prize -- Pace-Setter Posts 133. Impact: D. January's hole-in-one could have inspired a future where every golf tournament had a million-dollar prize, leading to more people trying to play golf than actually enjoying it. Thanks, January, for raising the stakes!. Fact: Did you know that getting a hole-in-one is statistically harder than finding a decent avocado at the grocery store? Both will leave you questioning your luck..
• Headline: U.S. Is Asked to Let Cuban Exiles Teach; U.S. URGED TO USE HAVANA U. EXILES. Impact: If Cuban exiles had been allowed to teach, we could have seen a surge in universities named after tropical fruits, leading to a mysterious spike in students' craving for papayas. Who knew higher education could come with a side of salsa?. Fact: Did you know that professors who flee their countries often have more exciting backstories than most superhero movies? 'Dr. Jones: The Academic Avenger' sounds like a blockbuster!.
• Headline: Art: Bassano Family; High Renaissance Works by Venetians Are Displayed at Seiferheld Gallery. Impact: The exhibition of Bassano family works may have inspired a future where art galleries doubled as hipster coffee shops, leading to a world where every latte comes with a side of Renaissance critique.. Fact: Fun fact: The Bassano family was so influential that their art could probably make a toaster look stylish. Now that’s talent!.