DECEMBER 7, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Protestant Plan for Unity Gains Momentum. Impact: Had the Blake-Pike proposal succeeded, perhaps the Reformation would have led to a single Protestant denomination, resulting in less division, fewer theological debates, and possibly even a global shortage of coffee shops that serve as debate venues.. Fact: Did you know that if you put all Protestant denominations end to end, they’d still argue about the best way to make coffee?.
• Headline: Peiping and Moscow's Red Policy Compromise. Impact: This manifesto likely led to a series of awkward dinner parties where both parties pretended to agree on the same menu while secretly plotting to serve different dishes.. Fact: Communists meeting halfway? That’s what we call a real 'compromise.' Next up: a joint celebration of 'treaty cake'!.
• Headline: Federal Employment Decline in October 2023. Impact: The drop in federal employment likely triggered a chain reaction of increased job applications to fast food chains, resulting in a nationwide obsession with burgers and fries that persists to this day.. Fact: Did you know that when federal employment drops, so do the chances of someone correctly filling out a tax form? It's an art form, really..
• Headline: KING GREETS FIANCEE; Baudouin Meets Dona Fabiola at Brussels Airport. Impact: This royal meet-cute likely set off a trend of extravagant airport greetings, leading to a series of viral videos where people try to outdo each other with grandiose proposals and reunions.. Fact: Fun fact: A royal crown is apparently the perfect gift for a fiancée, but just wait until you see her face when you give her a matching tiara!.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The publication of 'My Crown, My Love' may have inadvertently inspired a whole generation of biographical novels about obscure historical figures, making 'uninteresting' the new 'interesting.'. Fact: Did you know that reading biographical novels about obscure figures is a great way to impress people at parties? Or bore them to tears!.
• Headline: GLENN GOULD SUES PIANO TECHNICIAN; Asks $300,000 Damages, Saying Steinway and Its Employe Injured Him. Impact: This legal dispute may have inspired a new genre of lawsuits where musicians sue their instruments for emotional distress, leading to a spike in piano insurance claims.. Fact: Glenn Gould suing over piano injuries? I guess that means even musicians have a hard time finding 'a chord' with their instruments..
• Headline: APPEAL PLANNED; Manhattan President Could Get Prison in Ungar Case HULAN JACK FOUND GUILTY IN 2D TRIAL. Impact: The conviction of Hulan Jack may have paved the way for a series of political scandals, creating an entire genre of 'how-not-to' manuals for aspiring politicians.. Fact: Did you know that conflict of interest is just another way of saying 'I should probably know better but I don’t'?.
• Headline: PLASTIC PLANT PLANNED; Rexall Chemical Co. to Build Facility in Chicago Area. Impact: The establishment of this plastic plant likely contributed to the world's addiction to single-use plastics, eventually leading to the Great Ocean Garbage Patch and countless memes about turtles and straws.. Fact: Fun fact: Every time you use a plastic straw, a turtle gets its wings... or something like that..
• Headline: MEETING CORDIAL; Both Men Affirm U.S. Policy of Pursuing Peace With Justice PARLEY STRESSES PLIGHT OF DOLLAR Meeting Is Cordial as Two Men Reaffirm Policy of Peace With Justice. Impact: This meeting probably resulted in a series of peace treaties filled with more jargon than actual results, leaving historians to question whether 'peace with justice' is just a euphemism for 'let's keep talking without any real solutions.'. Fact: Ever notice that 'cordial dialogue' is just a fancy way of saying, 'We might not agree, but let’s pretend we do over some coffee'?.
• Headline: STORK CLUB LOSES PERMIT FOR 4 DAYS; Police Act on Cabaret Work Abuses -- Court Fight Due STORK CLUB LOSES PERMIT FOR 4 DAYS. Impact: The suspension of the Stork Club's permit probably led to a short-lived black market for cabaret performances, proving that when the fun police show up, underground parties just get way cooler.. Fact: Did you know that a 4-day suspension might just be the most exciting thing to happen to a cabaret? Talk about a 'forbidden fruit'!.