NOVEMBER 8, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Major Revitalization Projects Gain Approval. Impact: The revitalization of the Washington Market area led to an influx of hipster coffee shops in the 21st century, which directly caused a global avocado shortage. Who knew gentrification could be so... fruitless?. Fact: The only thing more inflated than property values in these areas was probably the egos of the developers involved..
• Headline: Socialism Celebrated at Havana Rally. Impact: This rally ignited a chain reaction that led to the creation of countless hipster coffee shops named after revolutionary figures. Who knew socialism could brew such a strong cup of coffee?. Fact: Cuba's famous mojitos were originally invented as a way to celebrate the victory of socialism over bad cocktails..
• Headline: Innovative Reporting Service for Retailers. Impact: In a bizarre twist, the data from this reporting service eventually led to the rise of the infamous 'best-selling' fidget spinner craze, leaving retailers wondering if they should have just stuck to selling boring old socks.. Fact: Retailers have been predicting 'best-sellers' since time immemorial, yet somehow everyone still ends up with a drawer full of unused kitchen gadgets..
• Headline: ISRAELI EDITOR IS HELD; Undisclosed Charge Is Placed Under Old British Decree. Impact: The detention of a journalist under an old British decree paved the way for a new age of online news outlets where everyone, including your neighbor's cat, is now considered a credible source.. Fact: Old British decrees are the real-life equivalent of finding an expired coupon in your wallet - completely useless but oddly nostalgic..
• Headline: INDEPENDENTS, TOO, SEEK WHITE HOUSE. Impact: The rise of independent candidates sparked a movement that eventually led to the internet meme 'Vote for Nobody,' which somehow gained more traction than actual candidates.. Fact: If you add up all the votes for minor candidates, you could probably elect a potato as president. And it would still do a better job than some..
• Headline: JACKSON REJECTS SUPPORT OF HUNT; Democratic Chief Repudiates Oil Man Who Supported Anti-Catholic Drive. Impact: Jackson's rejection of Hunt's support set a precedent that future politicians would follow, leading to a record number of awkward handshakes and public rejections that could fill a reality TV show.. Fact: Politicians returning donations is like a bad breakup; it’s never easy, and someone always ends up looking foolish..
• Headline: JOHNSON EXHORTS RALLIES IN TEXAS; He Winds Up Campaign With Appeals in Major Cities of His Home State. Impact: Johnson's Texas rallies created a massive grassroots movement that eventually inspired a series of reality shows about campaigning, proving that politics is just as entertaining as a soap opera.. Fact: The only thing more exaggerated than a politician's promises is the dramatic music in political ads..
• Headline: SWEDISH PRINCESSES HERE ON 10-DAY VISIT. Impact: The visit of Swedish princesses led to a cultural exchange that resulted in the widespread adoption of Swedish meatballs and IKEA furniture, forever changing dinner parties and living rooms worldwide.. Fact: Swedish princesses can now be seen roaming IKEA, looking for a good deal on a flat-pack couch—just like the rest of us!.
• Headline: Chief of City Ballot Box; James Michael Power. Impact: James Michael Power's role as Chief of City Ballot Box foreshadowed the future where every election would come with a side of conspiracy theories about ballot tampering. Spoiler alert: it’s always the cat.. Fact: Ballot boxes have seen more drama than a reality TV show, and yet they still can't get a decent camera crew to document their stories..