JULY 30, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Proposal for Strong Mayor in Jersey City. Impact: This push for a 'Strong Mayor' in Jersey City opened the floodgates for future politicians to feel like they were in a superhero movie, complete with capes, while simultaneously ruining their cities. Who knew strong leadership could lead to such weak results?. Fact: Political power struggles are as old as time, but in the end, it’s usually just a few folks arguing over who gets the last donut at the meeting.
• Headline: Morton Re-Elected GOP Chairman Unanimously. Impact: Morton’s unanimous re-election as G.O.P. Chairman meant that the party was on the fast track to becoming a family reunion—where everyone agrees on the same things, but nobody knows why they’re there in the first place. Fact: In politics, unanimous votes are often a sign of either absolute confidence or absolute boredom. Spoiler: it’s usually the latter.
• Headline: \FREDER1C LAHR, 74, LAWYER.LEDS.LBAR. Impact: Frederic Lahr’s legal expertise might have shaped some obscure legal precedents, but mostly, it just gave his law firm a fancy name that no one remembers today. Fact: The legal profession has historically been a great way to put a price tag on your arguments, which is why it’s so popular at family gatherings.
• Headline: European Shot-Put Mark Set. Impact: The European shot-put mark set by Varju may have inspired future athletes to push their limits. Ironically, the only thing that actually got thrown was a whole lot of excuses as to why they couldn’t break the record. Fact: Shot-putting is the only sport where throwing heavy objects is celebrated, while in everyday life, it gets you kicked out of public parks.
• Headline: Farm Produce Prices Advanced And Costs Declined for Month. Impact: The rise in farm produce prices while costs declined created the perfect economic storm, paving the way for grocery store aisles to become battlegrounds for shoppers—because who doesn’t want to fight over avocados?. Fact: Farmers are basically the original entrepreneurs, but instead of pitching their ideas, they just pitch hay and hope for the best.
• Headline: State Study Team Rebukes Peekskill On School Policy. Impact: The state’s rebuke of Peekskill on school policy likely led to a series of meetings where people discussed what to do—mostly deciding to do nothing while pointing fingers. Fact: School boards are like reality TV but without the excitement. Just a lot of people trying to figure out how best to teach kids without any actual teaching.
• Headline: Janis Plays Work By Rachmaninoff At Berkshire Fete. Impact: Janis playing Rachmaninoff at the Berkshire Fete likely inspired a wave of classical music lovers to don berets and sip overpriced coffee, thinking they were cultured. Fact: Classical music is like salad: most people know it's good for them but would rather have pizza instead.