JULY 23, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Deems Taylor's 'Peter Ibbetson' Premiere. Impact: If only Peter Ibbetson had been a hit, we might have seen a time where opera singers were the new rock stars... or at least had their faces on lunchboxes.. Fact: Deems Taylor's name sounds like he should be a character in a 1920s detective novel rather than an opera composer..
• Headline: Spaghetti Maker Transitions to Opera Singer. Impact: Had Buitoni succeeded, we could have been living in a world where every pasta dish came with an aria. Imagine the spaghetti twirling while a tenor serenades you!. Fact: Turning over business duties is just a fancy way of saying, 'I need to follow my dreams, even if they involve belting high notes while boiling noodles.'.
• Headline: Revitalizing City Hall in Norwalk. Impact: This clean-up plan could have sparked a city-wide obsession with cleanliness, leading to a Norwalk that smells like lemon-scented joy—or something.. Fact: Ever notice how 'sedate' sounds a lot like 'boring'? Coincidence? I think not..
• Headline: TUNNEL INSPECTED AS BOMB SHELTER; Experts Praise Mile Rail Passage in Palisades. Impact: This tunnel being touted as a bomb shelter might have led to a bizarre trend where people started moving underground, creating a new subculture of tunnel-dwelling hipsters.. Fact: Isn't it ironic that we invest in bomb shelters while the biggest threat might just be bad Wi-Fi?.
• Headline: Spaak Offers Paris Missile Concession; SPAAK GIVES PARIS NEW MISSILE PLAN. Impact: If the missile concession had gone through, we might have seen France wearing its own 'nuclear badge'—the ultimate fashion statement for world leaders.. Fact: Ah, the classic NATO tactic: 'You scratch my back, I’ll let you have nuclear weapons.' Nothing says friendship like mutual assured destruction!.
• Headline: EDWARD HOLSTEN,; Partnerin Salomon Brothers & Hutzler DiesuChairman of College in Greece. Impact: Holsten's passing could have catalyzed a global movement to honor financial wizards, leading to a reality show called 'Wall Street's Got Talent.'. Fact: It’s funny how being a partner at Salomon Brothers means you’re a big deal, but nobody really knows what they do—kind of like being a magician..
• Headline: HUMPHREY S. SHAW. Impact: Shaw’s life likely inspired a series of 'boring politician' biopics that would make even the most avid cinephiles yawn.. Fact: When asked about his contributions to society, I'm pretty sure Shaw said, 'I exist!'.
• Headline: Ordeal of Jesus Sculptured Here; Way of Cross Done by Columbia Co-ed for Rural Chapel. Impact: This sculpture project could have inspired a renaissance of religious art, leading to a new wave of hipster chapels filled with ironic Jesus sculptures.. Fact: Nothing like a college co-ed sculpting Jesus to really bring the divine to the dorm room..
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The book's release might have sparked a new genre: Mechanic Memoirs, leading to a boom in stories about auto repair with dramatic narratives.. Fact: Because who doesn't want to read about the riveting life of a mechanic? Spoiler alert: it’s full of grease and broken dreams..
• Headline: MARTIN A. MAEGER. Impact: Maeger's life could have inspired a cult following for financial advice, leading to an underground society of 'Maegerites' who worship money.. Fact: The only thing more boring than finance is when people think they're going to be the next financial guru. Spoiler: they won't..