JUNE 20, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: William Slater and the Industrial Revolution. Impact: The mysterious William Slater, by simply existing, inspired countless people to name their pets after him, leading to an unprecedented surge in pet popularity. Who knew an ordinary name could cause such chaos in the pet world?. Fact: In the 21st century, 'William' became one of the top dog names, thanks to a spaghetti-western-loving couple who had a pet parrot named William Slater..
• Headline: Nixon's Unusual Honor: A Cattle Branding. Impact: Nixon's cattle-branding iron incident led to an alternate timeline where all politicians had to earn their 'brand' through literal branding, making the phrase 'getting burned in the polls' take on a whole new meaning.. Fact: In this timeline, the phrase 'brand loyalty' referred to politicians who were literally branded by their constituents..
• Headline: Prosper Buranelli: Broadcast Pioneer Passes Away. Impact: Prosper Buranelli’s death created a butterfly effect that led to the invention of crossword puzzles being taken far too seriously, resulting in an underground crossword puzzle mafia that still operates today.. Fact: There are secret societies of crossword enthusiasts who believe that the more complex a puzzle, the closer one gets to intergalactic enlightenment..
• Headline: HARVARD CHAIR FILLED; Language Specialist Named to Larsen Professorship. Impact: With Dr. Carroll stepping into the Larsen Professorship, language evolved at an alarming rate, leading to an era where emojis became the primary form of communication, causing mass confusion in diplomatic circles.. Fact: The first international summit held entirely in emojis ended in chaos when a thumbs-up was misinterpreted as a declaration of war..
• Headline: Quemoy Soldier Carves Gift. Impact: When the Quemoy soldier carved a gift for Eisenhower, it inadvertently set off a trend of soldiers turning their war memorabilia into artisanal crafts, which would later inspire a bizarre reality TV show.. Fact: The show 'Crafting with Conflict' aired for one season before being canceled due to complaints about the lack of actual crafting and too much conflict..
• Headline: LAYGROUND DEDICATED; Named for Brooklyn Hero Who Helped Stop Nazi Attack. Impact: The dedication of the Brooklyn playground named after WWII hero P.W. Kolbert inspired a wave of playgrounds named after obscure historical figures, leading to a resurgence in history classes focused on the most random heroes.. Fact: In 2023, a playground was named after a tavern keeper from the 1700s, claiming he was the 'first unofficial bartender' of the revolution..
• Headline: EDWARD J. HART. Impact: Edward J. Hart’s legacy was so profound that it inspired an entire line of greeting cards, with messages like 'Happy Birthday, Edward!' becoming synonymous with mediocrity and unoriginality.. Fact: In the 22nd century, 'Hart' became slang for something incredibly bland, like a plain bagel or a lukewarm cup of coffee..
• Headline: MICHAEL P. SINNOTT \. Impact: Michael P. Sinnott’s existence led to a series of unfortunate misunderstandings, resulting in a bizarre cult that believed he held the secret to eternal life through mundane paperwork.. Fact: The cult's main ritual involved filling out forms impeccably, and they claimed that perfect penmanship would unlock the secrets of the universe..