MAY 12, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jakarta Declares Victory Over Insurgents. Impact: The Jakarta victory led to a temporary lull in insurgencies worldwide, which ironically caused a massive boom in tourism to Indonesia. Who knew that breaking backs could lead to beach vacations?. Fact: Did you know that 'breaking the back' of insurgency is just a euphemism? It's not like they literally started handing out back braces..
• Headline: Eisenhower's Disinterest in Daily Press. Impact: Eisenhower's indifference to newspapers led to the rise of alternate media sources, eventually resulting in conspiracy theories about lizard people running the government. Thanks, Ike!. Fact: Did you know that if Eisenhower had read the papers, we might have had a better national understanding of why he wasn't a fan of reading? Spoiler: it was probably boring..
• Headline: Fund Voted for Soil Center. Impact: Funding for the soil center led to the eventual development of organic farming, which ironically caused a spike in hipster coffee shops worldwide. Soil: the true unsung hero of your overpriced latte.. Fact: Did you know that $350,000 could also buy a lot of trendy avocado toast? Just saying..
• Headline: PLAN BODY DELAYS ZONING PROPOSAL; Final Draft of Revised Code Put Off for 4 Months PLAN BODY DELAYS ZONING PROPOSAL. Impact: The zoning proposal delay led to four months of speculation, which surprisingly caused a rise in amateur zoning enthusiasts. Who knew urban planning could be so thrilling?. Fact: Did you know that zoning proposals are the perfect cure for insomnia? Just don’t blame us if you start dreaming about setbacks and easements..
• Headline: T.W.U. SETS JUNE 6 FOR PENNSY STRIKE. Impact: The TWU strike on June 6 inspired a series of other unions to strike, resulting in a national 'Just Take a Day Off' movement that continues to this day. Everyone loves a good day off!. Fact: Did you know that in the future, strikes will be so popular that people will start striking just for fun? It's a new extreme sport..
• Headline: Atom Weapons Excluded From New U.S. Test Plan; NEW ATOM TESTS TO BAR WEAPONS. Impact: The exclusion of atom weapons from the test plan inadvertently led to an increase in paranoia among conspiracy theorists, who now believe that the government is actually hiding the good stuff.. Fact: Did you know that this decision did not stop the Cold War? Apparently, it takes more than just a lack of atom bombs to cool things down..
• Headline: J.D. ROCKFELLER JR. DEAD AT AGE OF 86; Philanthropist Who Made Career of Giving Millions Succumbs in Tucson J.D. ROCKEFELLER JR. DEAD AT AGE OF 86. Impact: J.D. Rockefeller Jr.'s death marked the end of an era of philanthropic giants, paving the way for social media influencers to take over the philanthropic narrative—because nothing says charity like an Instagram post.. Fact: Did you know that Rockefeller Jr. was so rich he could have bought a small country? But instead, he chose to give it all away. Talk about a guilt trip!.
• Headline: U.A.R. TO MEET ISRAEL; Agrees to Discuss Narcotics Problem on Neutral Ground. Impact: The U.A.R. meeting with Israel over narcotics led to bizarre international negotiations in the future where world leaders discuss everything from coffee trade to the best pizza toppings. It's a slippery slope!. Fact: Did you know that discussing narcotics with Israel is just a diplomatic version of 'let's talk about our feelings'?.
• Headline: Park Group Assails Cafe Again. Impact: The park group assailing the cafe sparked a trend in food activism that eventually led to people protesting for gluten-free options in every corner of the globe. Thanks for ruining everything, park activists!. Fact: Did you know that if cafes had feelings, they would be crying into their lattes every time someone complained? Poor cafés, they just want to serve coffee in peace..