MARCH 12, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Assistant Rabbi Joins Emanu-El Community. Impact: The appointment of Rabbi C J Davidson set off a chain reaction in the spiritual community, inadvertently leading to a surge in bagel consumption and a national shortage of cream cheese by 2023. Who knew one rabbi could create a dairy crisis?. Fact: Bagels were originally a sign of good luck in Eastern Europe. Too bad no one thought to associate that with a rabbi's appointment!.
• Headline: Chester Barth: Food Industry Pioneer. Impact: Chester Barth's leadership in the food industry inspired a bizarre trend of people naming their pets after food companies. By 2025, the pet store was filled with dogs named 'Kraft' and cats named 'Nestle.'. Fact: Chester Barth was known for his unusual love of pineapple on pizza, which sparked a heated debate that still divides households even today!.
• Headline: Youth Murder Conviction Shocks Community. Impact: The tragic slaying of the girl led to an increase in community safety programs, which ironically resulted in more neighborhood watch meetings than actual crime prevention. The 'watch' became a euphemism for gossip sessions. Fact: The first neighborhood watch was started in 1968, but clearly, it didn’t come with a manual on keeping the gossip to a minimum!.
• Headline: W.D.MUNSONSR.,62, PULP COMPANY HEAD. Impact: W.D. Munson Sr.'s leadership in the pulp industry led to an unexpected boom in paper mache art, resulting in a world where all the hipsters had to prioritize space for their latest DIY craft projects. Fact: The average person uses about 700 pounds of paper each year. Imagine if they just turned to the arts instead; we'd all have a lot more macaroni sculptures around!.
• Headline: EISENHOWER ASKS POSTAL RATE RISE; Urges 5 Cents on First Class -- Bill's Passage Doubted EISENHOWER ASKS POSTAL RATE RISE. Impact: Eisenhower's postal rate hike request triggered a postal revolution, causing a rise in email usage that led to the 'Great Digital Spam Crisis of 2024.' Thanks, Ike, for our overflowing inboxes!. Fact: The first postage stamp was issued in 1840. If only Eisenhower had known that raising rates could lead to a digital avalanche of junk mail!.
• Headline: MAX LEDERMAN. Impact: Max Lederman’s legacy in music education sparked a renaissance in amateur musicianship, resulting in a nationwide influx of 'neighborhood bands' that could only be described as glorified garage noise. Fact: Max Lederman was also known to play the kazoo at family gatherings, which had the unintended effect of making all family reunions a little more... interesting.
• Headline: VLADIMIR DROZDOFF, PIANIST, TEACHER, 80. Impact: Vladimir Drozdoff's teachings led to a significant increase in piano enrollments, causing an explosion of piano bar openings across the country. By 2025, every neighborhood had at least one 'Piano & Wine' bar, because why not?. Fact: Drozdoff’s favorite piano piece was famously 'Chopsticks'—proving that even piano prodigies have a soft spot for simplicity!.
• Headline: SENATE DELETES SCHOOL PROVISION FROM RIGHTS BILL; Liberals Join Southerners to Kill, 49-35, Plan to Curb Integration Violence LABOR MEN INTERVENE Act After Lausche Succeeds in Broadening Section So That Unions Are Covered SENATE DELETES A RIGHTS PROVISO. Impact: The Senate's deletion of the school provision from the rights bill sparked protests that led to an annual 'Freedom Day' celebration, where people dress up as their favorite civil rights activists to make a point about irony. Fact: The phrase 'freedom of speech' was coined in the 18th century, but clearly, some senators didn’t get the memo about how to use it responsibly!.
• Headline: DR. DAYTON RANCK DEAD; I , Bucknell's Vice President and Treasurer Emeritus, 74,. Impact: Dr. Dayton Ranck’s passing caused a ripple effect in academia, leading to a sudden increase in memorial scholarships and a never-ending debate over whether to name a building after him or the coffee shop on campus. Fact: Ranck was known for his love of puns, which is probably why the university's newsletter was filled with more dad jokes than actual news!.
• Headline: NIXON HAILS POWELL FOR PRIMARY WORK; CONCORD, N.H., March 11. Impact: Nixon's praise of Powell for his primary work led to an unwarranted spike in campaign slogans that used 'Powell' as a verb, causing future politicians to awkwardly explain their newfound 'Powelling' strategies. Fact: Nixon once famously said, 'I am not a crook,' but never clarified whether he was also a fan of catchy campaign slogans!.