MARCH 9, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Antonowicz Appointed as Visiting Professor. Impact: Dr. Antonowicz's appointment may have inadvertently sparked a series of Polish 'scientific brain drain' events, with physicists fleeing to the U.S. faster than you can say 'nobody wants to be in Poland right now.'. Fact: Apparently, it took until 1945 for the U.S. to figure out that Polish physicists might be useful. Better late than never, right?.
• Headline: Vatican Commentary on Civil Rights Debate. Impact: The Vatican's commentary on civil rights may have inadvertently set off a chain reaction in the U.S. that led to an increase in papal consultations on social justice, resulting in popes being seen wearing more hipster glasses than ever before.. Fact: Because nothing says 'I'm with you' in civil rights like a bunch of old men in robes discussing it in a newspaper..
• Headline: 24 on U.S. Plane Alive After a Crash in Spain. Impact: The survival of all 24 passengers on the crashed U.S. plane might have led to a series of unprecedented airline safety regulations. Who knew that almost tragedy could save countless lives in the future?. Fact: In a shocking twist, those 24 people were probably just glad they didn't order the fish on the flight..
• Headline: PRESSMEN RE-ELECT ALL BUT ONE LEADER. Impact: Re-electing the same press leaders might have led to a never-ending cycle of mediocrity in journalism, where the only thing changing is the coffee brand in the break room.. Fact: Re-elections: because sometimes you just need to keep doing the same thing over and over until it stops being funny!.
• Headline: SPANIARD EXECUTED; Was Convicted of Organizing Madrid Bombings. Impact: The execution of Abad Donoso for organizing bombings in Madrid may have sent shockwaves through the Spanish judiciary, resulting in stricter anti-terrorism measures, or at least a really awkward family dinner for those involved.. Fact: Executing someone for organizing bombings: the original 'let's not talk about politics at the dinner table' strategy..
• Headline: NEW MISSILE UNITS TO GO TO GERMANY. Impact: The deployment of missile units to Germany might have created a new arms race, making Germany the most popular destination for missile-related tourism, complete with missile museums and souvenir shops.. Fact: Missile units in Germany: because nothing says 'we trust you' like parking your weapons right next to your allies..
• Headline: Queen Receives Macmillan. Impact: The meeting between Queen Elizabeth and Prime Minister Macmillan could have sparked a wave of royal gossip, leading to a new genre of tabloid journalism focused solely on British political tea.. Fact: Queen Elizabeth receiving a Prime Minister: the original 'we're just here to talk business, nothing scandalous!' scenario..