MARCH 8, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Nuclear Arms Sharing Debate Renewed. Impact: This plan to share atomic weapons could have transformed international relations into a bizarre game of nuclear hot potato, where allies would frantically pass around warheads at parties, completely missing the point.. Fact: Did you know that at one point, the U.S. just considered giving nuclear weapons as birthday gifts? Nothing says 'happy birthday' like a bomb..
• Headline: Closure of Moa Bay Mining Operations. Impact: Pessimism among Americans led to a nationwide self-fulfilling prophecy where everyone just gave up and started inventing mood rings instead of investing in the economy.. Fact: When life gives you lemons, sometimes it just means you're in a recession. Welcome to the club!.
• Headline: German Strike on Beer Ends. Impact: The end of the beer strike resulted in an unforeseen increase in productivity, causing an uptick in beer belly sizes across the nation — a true testament to American priorities.. Fact: Funny enough, this strike was the closest Germany ever came to a sober workforce. That’s a miracle in itself!.
• Headline: Judge Bars Wiretaps By District Attorney; JUDGE RULES OUT 'LEGAL' WIRETAPS. Impact: Banning wiretaps might have led to organized crime investing in carrier pigeons and smoke signals, ultimately resulting in the world's first socially distanced mob meetings.. Fact: Who knew a judge could single-handedly make organized crime feel like they were living in the 1800s? What’s next, a ban on telegraphs?.
• Headline: Tuscaroras to Lose Land; Court Backs Niagara Plan; TUSCARORAS LOSE IN FIGHT FOR LAND. Impact: The loss of Tuscarora land for a reservoir led to an endless cycle of resentment and environmental issues, proving once again that progress often walks all over people's dreams.. Fact: This case was a perfect example of 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' — just swap the word 'reservoir' for 'corporate greed.'.
• Headline: WEDEMEYER IN RACE; He Seeks U.S. House Seat From Maryland District. Impact: General Wedemeyer's entry into politics signaled the beginning of the end for military leaders thinking they could just waltz into Congress and fix everything with a salute and a stern look.. Fact: This was one of the first instances that military resumes were deemed less impressive than actual political experience. Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The publication of Turgenev's work ensured that literature would continue to confuse and bore countless students for generations to come, setting the stage for the eternal debate over required reading.. Fact: Turgenev might be the only author who could make even the most passionate reader consider switching to graphic novels instead..
• Headline: Actors' Strike Shuts Hollywood Studios; 7 MOVIE STUDIOS SHUT BY STRIKE. Impact: The actors' strike shut down Hollywood, leading to a decade of terrible reality TV that still haunts us today. Thanks, SAG!. Fact: This strike was the first time Hollywood realized that without actors, they were just a bunch of cameras staring at empty sets. A real existential crisis!.