FEBRUARY 24, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Unraveling the Mystery of Discoverer V. Impact: If this satellite were indeed a U.S. capsule, it could have sparked a secret space race where everyone tried to one-up each other with increasingly absurd satellites, leading to an eventual intergalactic fashion show in the year 3000.. Fact: The only thing more mysterious than this satellite is the number of socks that disappear in the dryer..
• Headline: House Votes on Major Postal Funding Cut. Impact: The 82 million cut in postal funds led to the rise of email, which ultimately resulted in cats taking over the internet and the downfall of human society as we know it—but hey, at least we can send memes faster!. Fact: The U.S. Postal Service has been delivering mail since 1775, proving that procrastination is a historical constant..
• Headline: REGIONAL COUNCIL ASKS NEW STATUS; Only Bergen and Essex Turn Down Legal-Entity Plan REGIONAL COUNCIL ASKS NEW STATUS. Impact: If this regional council had succeeded, it might have led to a trend of councils demanding status upgrades, eventually resulting in a new wave of bureaucracy where towns were just renamed 'Kingdoms' and 'Empires.'. Fact: Local councils have more drama than reality TV—just without the ratings or the fame..
• Headline: MORSE QUITS PRIMARY; Decides to Avoid Wisconsin Because of Money and Time. Impact: Morse’s decision to avoid Wisconsin might have led to an alternate universe where cheese is a form of currency and people communicate solely through dairy-related puns.. Fact: The only thing more controversial than avoiding a primary is trying to explain your choice to your mother..
• Headline: COMMUNIST'S PLEA FOR PAROLE DENIED. Impact: The denial of parole for this communist could have triggered a chain reaction of 'no parole' stories, leading to an underground movement where people start a new trend of 'Parole Denial Parties.'. Fact: Rejection is just a fancy way for life to say 'not today,' but it does make for good stories at cocktail parties..
• Headline: GOVERNOR OFFERS A BROAD MEASURE ON BIAS IN HOUSING; Proposed Bill Would Apply to Private Units With 3 or More Apartments G.O.P. STAND UNCERTAIN Election-Year Strategy May Be Factor -- Commercial Space Is Included Governor Offers Broad Measure To Bar Bias in Private Housing. Impact: If Rockefeller's bill had passed unanimously, it might have inspired a fashion line with housing-themed clothing, where people wore outfits made of blueprints and floor plans.. Fact: Real estate agents are basically the adult version of kids playing house, complete with the occasional tantrum over the price of the 'living room.'.
• Headline: STATE BIAS ACTION HAS LONG HISTORY; Governor's Bill on Housing May Result in Last Major Battle on Civil Rights. Impact: The long history of state bias actions could have led to an epic saga of civil rights battles that would put superhero movies to shame, with each figure becoming an iconic character in their own right.. Fact: Civil rights history is a bit like a really long movie—sometimes you just want to fast forward to the happy ending..
• Headline: U.S. FOR CUBA TALK BUT BARS PROVISO; Officials Welcome a Parley but Reject Implied Demand to Retain Sugar Quota U.S. FAVORS TALKS; BARS CUBAN CURB. Impact: The U.S. agreeing to talk with Cuba but rejecting conditions could have led to a series of diplomatic dinners where each side brought increasingly bizarre gifts, like a giant inflatable flamingo or a life-sized statue of a famous historical figure.. Fact: Diplomacy is just a fancy word for 'let's pretend to agree while trying to outsmart each other with a smile.'.