FEBRUARY 9, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lieutenant Governor's Relief Policy Controversy. Impact: Lt. Gov. Wilson's job offer mandate inadvertently leads to the rise of a new underground economy where people begin trading services for food, ultimately giving birth to a highly secretive barter society. Fast forward a century, and we're all just swapping artisanal bread for Wi-Fi passwords.. Fact: Did you know that as people were being denied aid, they were probably contemplating a career as a professional juggler? Because, you know, that’s a real job..
• Headline: Support for Voluntary R.O.T.C. at MSU. Impact: The vote for voluntary R.O.T.C. leads to a butterfly effect of military-themed college parties, which in turn inspires an entire generation of future leaders to think that khakis and combat boots are suitable for every occasion.. Fact: Did you know that confusing military training with college education has been the leading cause of bad karaoke in dorms since time immemorial?.
• Headline: Labor Law and Vacation Controversy. Impact: Meany's charge against the labor law bloc sparks a series of 'reasonable' interpretations that eventually lead to the invention of the world's most convoluted job titles. Congratulations, you are now a Chief Happiness Officer.. Fact: Did you know that 'reasonable' has become the most overused word in labor disputes, right after 'synergy' and 'leverage?'.
• Headline: RICARDO GONZALES. Impact: Ricardo Gonzales's name came and went without much fanfare, but little did anyone know that his future descendants would one day star in a reality show about time travelers who can't stop losing their keys.. Fact: Did you know that there are more people named Ricardo Gonzales than there are hours in a day? Talk about blending in!.
• Headline: Foes May Get Freedom; TRUJILLO WEIGHS PARDON FOR FOES. Impact: Trujillo's potential pardon sets off a chain reaction leading to the rise of conspiracy theories about secret deals with the Vatican, making 'pardon' the new buzzword for every political scandal. Who knew forgiveness could be so scandalous?. Fact: Did you know that pardons have been known to cause more drama than a telenovela? It’s the original soap opera plot twist..
• Headline: AID ASKED ON FREEDOM; British Guianan Seeks O.A.S. Advice on London Talks. Impact: The request for aid from British Guiana inadvertently inspires a generation of diplomats who think that the only way to solve problems is by scheduling endless meetings. Spoiler: they were wrong.. Fact: Did you know that asking for help is the adult version of 'Can I borrow a pencil?' but somehow way more complicated?.
• Headline: ALBERT SIMONS, TRAVEL AGENT, 62; Head of Concerns Pioneered Package Tours and Cruises uDies -in Hawaii on Trip. Impact: Albert Simons's pioneering work in package tours and cruises leads to the eventual rise of budget travel, where the phrase 'all-inclusive' becomes synonymous with 'please, no more mystery meat.'. Fact: Did you know that Albert Simons’s legacy is still alive today? Just look at how many people are willing to endure a four-hour layover for a free snack..
• Headline: MRS. DAVID S. STARRING. Impact: Mrs. David S. Starring's arrival in the headlines serves as a reminder that behind every famous man is a woman whose name is often forgotten. This eventually leads to a cultural revolution of reclaiming last names in the 21st century.. Fact: Did you know that the practice of women taking their husband's last names has been debated for centuries? If only they had Twitter back then!.
• Headline: Venezuela Presses Charge; TRUJILLO REGIME BERATED IN O.A.S.. Impact: Venezuela's charges against Trujillo's regime lead to the establishment of human rights organizations, which eventually inspire an entire genre of documentaries that no one wants to watch on a Friday night.. Fact: Did you know that human rights violations are often the main ingredient in a really good documentary? It’s like the sad movie of the year, every year..
• Headline: 5 Judges Protest 'Met' Audition; Say Official Intervened in Finals; Dispute Flares Over Middle Atlantic Contest Won by Baltimore Soprano 5 JUDGES PROTEST ON 'MET' AUDITION. Impact: The judges' protest at the 'Met' audition creates a cultural rift that leads to the rise of reality singing competitions, where anyone can become famous for... well, just about anything.. Fact: Did you know that reality shows owe a debt of gratitude to these five judges? Without them, we might still be stuck listening to actual talent instead of whatever 'that' is..