FEBRUARY 3, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Taiwan and India Excluded from Winter Olympics. Impact: Little did they know, the exclusion of skiers from Taiwan would lead to a secret underground ski club operating in the Himalayas, where members now plot the next global winter sports revolution.. Fact: Skiing without membership is like trying to join a club for people who don’t like clubs. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work..
• Headline: Kerala Reds Defeated by Coalition Front. Impact: The political shakeup in Kerala led to an unexpected rise in the popularity of chai wallahs, who became the unofficial political advisors to the masses, forever altering the state’s power dynamics over a cup of tea.. Fact: In Kerala, losing a political party is like losing a game of chess — except the bishops are real, and they have a better chance of winning than the politicians..
• Headline: 4 Marines Admit Arms Theft. Impact: This incident of arms theft led to a secret society of ex-Marines who now run a very exclusive arms trading business out of a taco truck in San Diego.. Fact: Because nothing says 'I’m sorry' like a guilty plea followed by a life of tacos and black market shenanigans..
• Headline: TWO NEW TAXES URGED IN JERSEY; Income or Sales Levies Are Backed for Future Needs at Planning Parley. Impact: The introduction of these taxes ultimately led to the creation of a highly-competitive underground economy where citizens traded goods using Monopoly money.. Fact: Taxation: Because what’s more fun than giving your hard-earned cash to the government, only for them to lose it in a budget deficit?.
• Headline: NEUBERGER IS FOUND FIT; Doctors See 'No Reason' for Him Not to Run Again. Impact: Neuburger's fitness for office inspired a series of fitness fads, leading to a bizarre era where politicians campaigned while doing yoga, ultimately resulting in the rise of 'Politician Pilates.'. Fact: If only being fit translated to being competent. Maybe we should have politicians do obstacle courses instead of debates!.
• Headline: U.S. Balloon Is Sighted. Impact: The sighting of the balloon led to a decades-long conspiracy theory that it was actually a time-traveling device sent by aliens to observe the 'fascinating' habits of humans.. Fact: Balloon sightings have always been the go-to excuse for those who just want to blame aliens for their problems. 'It wasn’t me, it was the extraterrestrials!'.
• Headline: POWER AGAIN BIDS U.S. PUT BOMBERS ON FLYING ALERT; S.A.C. Leader Also Warns Soviet Surprise Attack Could Wipe Out Bases POWER AGAIN ASKS FOR FLYING ALERT. Impact: This call for bomber readiness initiated an arms race that eventually led to the development of the world’s first 'nuclear-powered karaoke machine' for military personnel.. Fact: Because what better way to prepare for a nuclear attack than belting out show tunes? 'We’ll survive!'.
• Headline: 6 Catholic Bishops Plead For Jailed Trujillo Foes; 6 BISHOPS PLEAD FOR DOMINICANS. Impact: The bishops' plea for political prisoners led to an underground movement of clergy who became accidental social activists, ultimately resulting in a 21st-century renaissance of religious rock bands.. Fact: When six bishops ask for freedom, you know you’re in for a wild ride. Not your typical Sunday service, right?.
• Headline: 60,729 Drivers in State Lost Licenses Last year. Impact: The staggering number of license revocations led to a thriving black market for fake ID's which ultimately spawned a reality show: 'License to Drive (but not really).' . Fact: Losing your license is just the government’s way of saying, 'We care about your safety… and our revenue.'.