JANUARY 14, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Manhattan College Engineering Building Fundraiser. Impact: The $5 million engineering building sparked an unending arms race in college construction, leading to campuses filled with more brick and mortar than actual learning. Eventually, students began majoring in 'Building Studies' just to figure out where their tuition went.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, engineers will be so busy building skyscrapers that they won’t even notice when flying cars become a reality? Priorities!.
• Headline: Eisenhower's Stance on Civil Rights Proposal. Impact: Eisenhower's coolness toward civil rights set off a chain reaction of political indecisiveness that lasted decades. It’s like the butterfly flapping its wings led to every politician ever being too scared to take a stand on anything—except for the occasional photo op.. Fact: Fun fact: Eisenhower once suggested that Congress should focus on rights while simultaneously suggesting they take a long nap. Multi-tasking at its finest!.
• Headline: New Brooklyn Mental Hygiene Clinic Established. Impact: The establishment of the mental clinic led to a surge in awareness about mental health, which eventually gave rise to the self-care industry. Now, people spend more on avocado toast than therapy—talk about priorities!. Fact: Did you know that in the future, mental health awareness will be so prevalent that even your smartphone will suggest therapy apps? Because who doesn’t want to spill their guts to a screen?.
• Headline: SINGER JOINS RACE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE. Impact: Dr. Eisenhower's struggle to withdraw from the New Hampshire race ultimately led to a series of political mishaps, shaping future electoral strategies that are more about drama than actual governance. Reality TV show creators took notes.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, political candidates will literally be required to have more Instagram followers than their opponent? Because democracy clearly needs a good filter..
• Headline: End of Income Ceiling Asked. Impact: Senator Javits' call to remove the income ceiling opened the floodgates for 'creative' earnings, leading to a society where everyone is a part-time influencer. Who needs a steady job when you can sell your life online?. Fact: Fun fact: In the future, the concept of a 'ceiling' will be entirely foreign, as people will be busy breaking records for the most outrageous side hustles..
• Headline: Truman's Summit Plan; Eisenhower Is Cool, but Nation Needs Bipartisanship in Fixing Basic Policy. Impact: Brando's victory for visiting rights set a precedent for celebrity rights, eventually leading to a world where stars negotiate custody arrangements on reality shows. Thanks, Marlon, for paving the way!. Fact: Did you know that in the future, celebrity custody battles will be so public that they'll have their own red carpet events? Because nothing says ‘family values’ like a photo op!.
• Headline: Brando Gets Visiting Rights.