JANUARY 5, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Skipper Discovers Uncharted Reef. Impact: If only that skipper had checked the charts, we might have avoided a future where every boat captain suddenly thinks they’re a mapmaker, leading to a series of absurd reality shows about uncharted waters.. Fact: Did you know that 'reef' is actually a nautical term for 'oops, there goes the boat!'?.
• Headline: Atlanta's Revised Pupil Placement Plan. Impact: This revised pupil placement plan might have set off a chain reaction that led to the creation of a secret society of educational reformers, who then mysteriously disappear every time school starts.. Fact: In the game of educational chess, it turns out that pawns are the only ones who actually get a say in placement..
• Headline: Leadership Change at Admiral Corporation. Impact: The shift in leadership at Admiral Corp. sparked a series of boardroom rivalries that ultimately inspired a hit TV series about corporate drama, featuring more backstabbing than an episode of 'Game of Thrones.'. Fact: Admiral Corp. isn't just about electronics; it's also a prime example of how corporate titles can sound more impressive than they actually are..
• Headline: REV. CASIMIR HORVAT. Impact: Horvat's legacy may have inspired countless future 'Reverends' to take up less holy pursuits, leading to a questionable rise in both questionable online sermons and reality TV shows.. Fact: Casimir Horvat's name sounds like a character from a 1980s action movie—one that probably didn’t involve much reverence!.
• Headline: Jack's Records Under Study. Impact: The investigation into Jack's Records could have been the catalyst for an underground network of musicians using financial statements as lyrics—an avant-garde movement no one asked for.. Fact: Jack's Records: where the only thing more confusing than their finances is their return policy..
• Headline: Taxi Owners Elect Chief. Impact: The election of a new taxi owners' chief could have ignited a revolution in taxi fare negotiations, eventually resulting in ride-sharing apps that people swear they only use for convenience.. Fact: Taxi owners electing a chief is like cats electing a leader—chaotic but ultimately pointless..
• Headline: LEON GORDON, 64, WRITERANDACTOR; Playwright of 'White Cargo' Is DeaduWas Producer and Scenarist at M-G-M. Impact: Leon Gordon's passing may have inspired a new wave of playwrights to ponder their own mortality, leading to a plethora of existential musicals—because who doesn’t love a good cry in a theater?. Fact: Gordon's work in 'White Cargo' was so impactful that it might just be the reason the phrase 'drama queen' was born..
• Headline: BENJAMIN G. KNAPP. Impact: Benjamin G. Knapp's life and work may have been the catalyst for the creation of the 'Knapp Effect,' where people are forever confused about whether they’re reading about a person or a type of pasta.. Fact: Being named Benjamin G. Knapp is the perfect metaphor for the struggle of being both a person and a punchline..