JANUARY 1, 1960

Full News Archive

• Headline: Attorney General's Report on Broadcasting Practices. Impact: This report led to stricter regulations, inadvertently inspiring a wave of conspiracy theorists who believed every broadcast was a secret government plot, thus giving rise to YouTube channels that exist solely to discuss the merits of lizard people. Fact: Isn't it ironic that the government is cracking down on deceptive practices while politicians simultaneously engage in the world's oldest profession? Just saying.
• Headline: Exploring Prof. John E. Tracy's Legacy. Impact: Prof. Tracy's unremarkable existence (presumably) became a cautionary tale for future academics, ensuring that no professor ever again forgets to add a middle initial to their publications. Fact: Not every professor becomes a household name. Some just become a footnote in someone else's biography.
• Headline: Arturo Giovannitti Dies at 75; Poet, Long-Time Labor Leader. Impact: Giovannitti's death marked the end of an era, but it also inspired a generation of poets to write about their own struggles, thus leading to an avalanche of angsty spoken word performances in coffee shops across the nation. Fact: Giovannitti was a poet and labor leader, proving that fighting for workers' rights and writing about existential dread can indeed go hand in hand.
• Headline: VICTORY FOR QUILL; 40-Cent Package Won by the T.W.U. -- Bus Accord Follows TRANSIT WALKOUT IS AVERTED HERE. Impact: This small victory in labor rights led to countless coffee breaks where union members swapped tales of their 40-cent triumph, inadvertently creating the world's first unionized coffee klatch. Fact: Forty cents might sound trivial now, but back then, it could buy you a small fortune in bad coffee and questionable snacks.
• Headline: St. Louis Rail Line Struck. Impact: The rail strike set off a chain reaction of labor activism, inspiring future generations to believe that walking off the job was a perfectly valid form of communication—especially when it comes to getting extra vacation days. Fact: Strikes: the original form of 'ghosting' your boss. You just stop showing up and hope they get the hint.
• Headline: The Mayor's New Year. Impact: Mayor Wagner's determination to act decisively inadvertently led to a series of overly ambitious New Year resolutions that included promises to personally solve every pothole problem in the city. Fact: New Year, new Mayor, same old empty promises. It's like a political tradition!.
• Headline: 2 NEW MATERIALS FOUND IN FALL-OUT. Impact: The discovery of scandium-46 and cesium-134 in the soil led to an underground boom in 'post-apocalyptic gardening,' where hipsters sought to grow radioactive vegetables as a new trend in superfoods. Fact: Congratulations, you can now grow a tomato that glows in the dark! Just what every backyard needs.
• Headline: HENRY BEAL DEAD; , EX-BELL OFFICIAL; Former Director of Western ov; Electric Was 68uServed 'o With Sandia Corporation f,i. Impact: Beal's death left a void in the energy sector, leading to a frantic search for his replacement, which, spoiler alert, ended in a series of increasingly questionable 'temporary' hires. Fact: Henry Beal's legacy? A reminder that even the most influential figures can leave behind a trail of paperwork that would give even the most dedicated archivist nightmares.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The selection of enduring nonfiction of the '50s encouraged a generation to believe that reading about the past was far more entertaining than actually living in the present, leading to a surge in historical reenactments—complete with bad wigs. Fact: If you ever think that history is boring, just remember that it can always be made more interesting with a good old-fashioned costume party.