SEPTEMBER 12, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: African Leaders Back France on Algeria. Impact: This unanimous backing by African leaders for France's Algerian ambitions led to a series of diplomatic dance-offs that would make 'Dancing with the Stars' look like a toddler's birthday party. Who knew that a little support could spark decades of geopolitical drama?. Fact: Did you know that de Gaulle's bid was so bold, it could have been the plot of a French film? Spoiler alert: it doesn't end well.
• Headline: Gen Colby's High Post Transition at Rockwell. Impact: General Colby’s assignment to a high post might have been the catalyst for future generals to think they could just retire in style, leading to a generation of military leaders who believed golf was an essential part of their job. Fact: Fun fact: After retiring, Colby probably took up knitting. Because, you know, that’s what all high-ranking generals do post-service.
• Headline: Governor Appoints Mediator Board Members. Impact: The appointment of mediators has led to a long tradition of people sitting around tables, arguing about how to mediate their mediating issues. It’s a cyclical conundrum that birthed endless committee meetings. Fact: Did you know that mediation boards are just an excuse for people to avoid making decisions? It's like a never-ending group project.
• Headline: CONSUMER CREDIT WILL BE COSTLIER; Installment Loan Rate Here Due to Go Up Soon CONSUMER CREDIT WILL BE COSTLIER. Impact: As consumer credit became more expensive, the debt spiral began to spin a little faster, leading to people inventing new and creative ways to avoid paying their bills. Thanks, consumer credit!. Fact: Did you know that 'installment plan' is just a fancy way of saying 'let’s make you broke over time'? It's like a financial treadmill.
• Headline: 500 TRANSIT POLICE SEEK PATROL DUTY IN FIGHT ON GANGS; Give Offer to Mayor to Tour Troubled Neighborhoods on Own Time Without Pay TALKS ON PROBLEM SET Woman Is Kidnapped From IND, Raped, Beaten and Robbed in New Flare-Up SERVICES OFFERED BY TRANSIT POLICE. Impact: The selfless act of transit police volunteering to patrol neighborhoods fueled an entire generation of 'superhero' wannabes who believed they could tackle crime in their spare time, one unpaid shift at a time. Fact: Did you know that this might have inspired an entire comic book series? Super Transit Officer: Fighting Crime Without Pay!.
• Headline: EASIER ENTRY VOTED TO KIN OF RESIDENTS. Impact: Easier entry for relatives of residents? This was the precursor to many family reunions that eventually turned into chaotic potlucks, leading to a generation of ‘who brought the fruit salad?’ disputes. Fact: Did you know that family reunions are just a formal way of arguing over who has the ugliest sweater?.
• Headline: Heat in Space Capsule Held to 100; HEAT IN CAPSULE HELD UNDER 100. Impact: Keeping the heat in the space capsule under 100 degrees was a pivotal moment that led future astronauts to believe they could survive anything, including bad coffee and stale donuts during long missions. Fact: Did you know that NASA’s secret to success is just keeping things cool? Literally.
• Headline: DR. HEblRIMULLER, i [JCATOR,'WAS 80; Ex-Professor of Rornan.ce! Philology at Columbia Is Dead--Taught 43 Years. Impact: The passing of Dr. Hebrimuller marked the end of an era for Romance Philology, leading to a shortage of people who could correctly pronounce 'philology' at parties. The horror!. Fact: Did you know that Dr. Hebrimuller taught for so long, he was practically a part of the furniture at Columbia? They even considered giving him a desk with his name on it.
• Headline: DR. H. WILLIAMS TAYLOR. Impact: Dr. H. Williams Taylor's legacy likely led to an unexpected uptick in people trying to sound smart by quoting his work at parties, which in turn made social gatherings significantly more awkward. Fact: Did you know that if you mention Dr. Taylor’s name at the right academic gathering, people will nod knowingly as if they actually read his work? Classic!.