AUGUST 14, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Canada Dry Acquires Kentucky River Distillery. Impact: When Canada Dry bought that bourbon distillery, they unwittingly set off a chain reaction leading to the rise of whiskey cocktails in every hipster bar. Who knew that fizzy soda and bourbon would become the foundation of brunch culture?. Fact: Did you know Canada Dry is not actually Canadian? It’s just as confused as that one friend who insists they’re ‘half-Italian’ because they had a slice of pizza once..
• Headline: French Film Star Henri Garat Passes Away. Impact: Henri Garat's passing left a void in French cinema that led to the rise of lesser-known actors, who would later inspire countless memes and TikTok trends about 'what could have been'.. Fact: The French take their cinema seriously; it’s the only place where you can watch a three-hour film about a potato and still feel cultured..
• Headline: Successful Launch of Discoverer Satellite. Impact: The success of the Discoverer satellite paved the way for all sorts of space shenanigans, including the infamous 'lost sock on Mars' conspiracy that still puzzles scientists today.. Fact: Did you know that the capsule was actually just an oversized tin can? NASA had a strict budget for aesthetics..
• Headline: WALTER LOWRItl, THEOLOGIAN, 91; Authority on Ph;Iosophy of Kierkegaard Dead--Had Led St, Paul's in Rome. Impact: Walter Lowrie's death marked the end of an era in theological philosophy, leading to a spike in existential crises among the youth, who suddenly found themselves questioning everything from their majors to their breakfast choices.. Fact: Lowrie was known for his philosophical debates, which were often more riveting than any reality show plot twist..
• Headline: RAY WILCOX, 75, IS DEAD; I Painterr of Marine Subjects , WTi:to'n':,,---,. Impact: Ray Wilcox's passing meant that the world lost a painter, but gained countless questionable marine-themed paintings at garage sales, potentially leading to a resurgence in 'nautical chic'.. Fact: Marine subjects? Sounds like a fancy term for a painting of fish that your aunt has hanging in her dining room..
• Headline: WORK ON RADIO PLANNED; Sections of East River Route to Get Safety Barriers. Impact: The planned radio work led to the eventual development of better communication systems, allowing for the rise of talk radio—because who doesn't want to hear a stranger’s opinion while stuck in traffic?. Fact: Safety barriers? Just another way to say 'we really hope you don't drive into the East River'..
• Headline: Canadian Javelin Elects 3. Impact: The election of the Canadian Javelin board members set off a series of increasingly bizarre javelin-related competitions, culminating in a reality show that no one asked for.. Fact: Isn’t it nice to know that even in board meetings, there’s always someone named 'Goodyear' making all the puns?.
• Headline: AD MAN IS LAUDED IN COLLEGE POST; Executive Who Took a Cut in Salary to Head Small Institution Is Hailed. Impact: The ad man's decision to take a salary cut for a small college led to a trend of educational institutions hiring marketing folks instead of educators, thus ensuring that every lecture would eventually start with a PowerPoint presentation.. Fact: Cutting your salary to work at a small college? That’s just the adult version of 'I swear I’m not just in it for the money'..