JULY 31, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Celebrating 50 Years of Jesuit Priesthood. Impact: Little did they know that this Jesuit's anniversary would inspire a whole generation of priests to start their own YouTube channels, leading to a global increase in questionable 'spiritual' advice.. Fact: Fun fact: Jesuits are known for their educational institutions, so if you ever wondered why priests are so good at trivia, now you know!.
• Headline: S.E.C. Inquiry into Oil Stock Sales. Impact: This inquiry led to a series of convoluted financial regulations that eventually resulted in an entire generation of investors believing they could outsmart the market—spoiler alert: they couldn’t.. Fact: Did you know that S.E.C. stands for 'Skeptical of Every Company'? Just kidding, but they definitely have a knack for uncovering shady business practices..
• Headline: New Leadership for State Police Chiefs. Impact: Ninesling’s election sparked a series of increasingly bizarre community safety initiatives, including the infamous 'Neighborhood Watch with a Twist' program that involved interpretive dance.. Fact: Did you know that being a police chief can be a bit like being a team captain for a group of people who spend most of their time arguing over donuts?.
• Headline: Thruway Crosses Buffalo as Niagara Strip Opens. Impact: The opening of this thruway inadvertently caused an increase in spontaneous road trips to Niagara Falls, leading to an uptick in Instagram influencers posing awkwardly near waterfalls.. Fact: Fun fact: Buffalo wings were actually invented to distract people from the fact that Buffalo is often mistaken for New York City. Spoiler: They’re not the same!.
• Headline: GOV. BROWN STIRS SPECULATION ON '60. Impact: Governor Brown’s political musings triggered a nationwide trend of 'political speculation parties,' where people gather to guess which candidate will trip over their own words next.. Fact: Did you know that political speculation is just a fancy way of saying 'let’s gossip about people we’ll never meet'?.
• Headline: Ballplayer Suspended for Life On Charge of Aiding Fix Tries; Trautman Throws Out Levan of Chattanooga -- Gonzales Sidelined for One Year. Impact: This scandal not only changed the careers of those involved but also led to the creation of a secret society of disgraced athletes who meet annually to reminisce about their glory days.. Fact: It's fascinating how one scandal can overshadow an entire sport, but don't worry—there's always a new scandal waiting to take its place!.
• Headline: Music: All-Beethoven; Krips Leads First and Ninth Symphonies. Impact: The popularity of this concert led to a Beethoven revival, resulting in an unexpected surge of hipster coffee shops named 'Beethoven’s Brew' that serve only black coffee and existential dread.. Fact: Did you know that Beethoven was actually deaf when he composed many of his masterpieces? Just think of the potential we’re all leaving untapped—like composing symphonies while napping!.
• Headline: ROCKEFELLER FUND GRANTS $8,146,200. Impact: This grant led to a new era of philanthropy, inspiring billionaires to throw money at every cause imaginable, including the 'World's Largest Rubber Band Ball' project.. Fact: Fun fact: The Rockefeller Foundation was so generous that they once funded a study on why people enjoy funding studies—a real head-scratcher!.
• Headline: CONSTRUCTION BILL FOR MILITARY VOTED. Impact: Passage of this bill led to the construction of bases that would eventually become the backdrop for countless action movies, solidifying the trope of soldiers who never seem to take a day off.. Fact: Did you know that military construction projects often have more red tape than a Hollywood blockbuster? Talk about a real-life drama!.
• Headline: NIXON INDICATES HE FAVORS VISIT BY KHRUSHCHEV; Eisenhower Trip to Soviet May Also Be Suggested by Vice President HE TOURS URALS REGION American Visitor Stresses an Increase in Contact by People and Leaders Nixon Hints Strongly He Favors Inviting Khrushchev to Visit U.S.. Impact: Nixon’s suggestion paved the way for future diplomatic visits, which ultimately led to the tradition of awkward handshakes and forced smiles in international relations.. Fact: Did you know that Nixon and Khrushchev once had a famous kitchen debate? It’s the only time politics and cooking collided in a way that didn’t involve a food fight..