JULY 29, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rockefeller's Ambitious Proposal for Farley. Impact: Had Farley accepted, racing might have been revolutionized, leading to a future where horse racing is the leading global sport. Can't you just picture the Olympic events? 'And here comes Gold Medalist Secretariat, sponsored by the National Dog Food Association!'. Fact: Fun fact: Rockefeller was so into politics that he probably had a 'Vote for Me' bumper sticker on his horse..
• Headline: Cuban 'New Democracy' Under Castro Explained. Impact: This set a precedent that turned democracy into a popularity contest, paving the way for future leaders to prefer social media likes over actual votes. Thanks, Fidel, for making 'influencer' a legitimate career choice!. Fact: Did you know that Castro once claimed that his favorite food was hot dogs? No wonder he loved to grill his opposition!.
• Headline: Blough and McDonald Statements Revealed. Impact: These texts were likely so riveting that they led to the invention of the snooze button. If only their statements had been turned into a podcast, we might have avoided the invention of reality TV.. Fact: Blough and McDonald probably had the most boring book club meetings ever—unless they were discussing the texts of their own statements..
• Headline: TRUCE ON BERLIN OFFERED BY WEST; 5-Year Accord Would Give a Limited Role to U. N. -- Soviet Held Unyielding. Impact: This truce might have led to a world where the Cold War was just a series of awkward diplomatic dinners. Imagine the U.N. trying to mediate between two superpowers over who gets the last slice of cake!. Fact: The U.N. has hosted some of the most uncomfortable conversations in history, but none quite as tense as deciding what to order for lunch..
• Headline: NIXON BIDS SOVIET AND U. S. LIFT BARS TO 'CLOSED' CITIES; Says in Siberia That Open Travel Would Help Build Peace and Friendship. Impact: Had this succeeded, we might have ended up with a 'Cultural Exchange Program' that involved Americans learning to endure Siberian winters, while Soviets perfected their beach bods in Florida!. Fact: Nixon thought open travel could ease tensions, but I guess he never tried to get a cab in New York City during rush hour..
• Headline: MacPhail Denies Support. Impact: This denial could have sparked a chain reaction where every politician learned the art of saying 'no' without actually saying anything. Future generations might have called this the 'MacPhail Method.'. Fact: MacPhail's denial was so strong, it inspired an entire generation of people to deny their friends' party invites with the same enthusiasm..
• Headline: MILITARY BILL GAINS; 1.2 Billion for Construction Approved by Conferees. Impact: This approval could have led to a future where military bases were as common as Starbucks, creating a world where you could grab a latte next to a tank—'one caramel macchiato, please!'. Fact: With that kind of budget, they could have built a military base that came with a complimentary swimming pool. Because who doesn't want to relax after a day of defending the nation?.
• Headline: Greenwich Rejects Private Road Built Over a Gas Pipeline. Impact: This rejection ensured that future generations wouldn’t have to deal with the joys of 'Oops! My road just exploded!' Instead, they could just complain about traffic jams like civilized people.. Fact: I guess Greenwich isn't ready for the 'road to nowhere' trend that’s so popular with hipsters these days..
• Headline: NEW HEARING SET ON UTILITY BILLING; P. S. C. Grants Appeals for Reargument in Ruling on Conjunctional Plan. Impact: This new hearing might have created a timeline where utility companies became as transparent as their billing practices, sparking a revolution in consumer rights. Spoiler alert: it didn't happen.. Fact: Utility billing hearings are like the sports equivalent of watching paint dry—except the paint might actually get you a refund if you’re lucky..