JUNE 18, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Chicco Alas: A Historical Overview. Impact: This head-scratching headline likely caused an alternate universe where punctuation became the leading form of communication, leading to the Great Punctuation Wars of 2075.. Fact: Did you know that the comma was once considered a status symbol? Only the most elite could afford to sprinkle them in their correspondence..
• Headline: Legacy of E. P. Neuschwander Remembered. Impact: Neuschwander's passing led to the unexpected rise of a civil engineering cult in 2050, which believes he still communicates through blueprints.. Fact: At 79, he was just warming up! The average lifespan of a civil engineer is about as long as a bridge project – an eternity..
• Headline: UN Establishes Radiation Unit for Fallout Research. Impact: This decision set off a chain reaction that resulted in the creation of the first intergalactic fallout shelter, proving humanity could survive anything but bad reality TV.. Fact: Fun fact: The original fallout shelters were just really fancy basements with a great view of the apocalypse..
• Headline: ALEXANDER KAPLEN. Impact: Kaplen's name sparked a meme in 2022 that caused a worldwide shortage of puns involving 'kaplunk', leading to underground pun smuggling rings.. Fact: It's said that every time someone mispronounces 'Kaplen', a pun fairy loses its wings. So please, be careful..
• Headline: Seabrook Buys Idaho Plant. Impact: Seabrook's acquisition of the plant eventually led to a national obsession with peas, resulting in the Pea-lympics of 2035, where competitors lobbed legumes at each other.. Fact: Peas are the only vegetable that can be both a side dish and a projectile. Talk about versatility!.
• Headline: Anti-Depression Drug Hailed in Experiment. Impact: The success of this drug led to a booming market for 'magic beans', which were really just overpriced coffee beans, and a new wave of hipsters claiming they discovered it first.. Fact: Beta phenylethylhydrazine sulphate sounds like the name of a futuristic robot, but it's just another buzzword for 'I need coffee'..
• Headline: WILLIAM G. MUNRO. Impact: Munro's achievements led to the establishment of a secret society of Munro enthusiasts who meet yearly to discuss the finer points of 'Munning' - a technique of rebranding failure as innovation.. Fact: William G. Munro once built a bridge that connected two different ideas. Sadly, it collapsed under the weight of expectations..
• Headline: No Progress in Paper Strike. Impact: The ongoing strike would eventually inspire a revolution in newspaper printing technology, leading to newspapers that print themselves – and still manage to be late.. Fact: Paper strikes are just the universe's way of making sure we appreciate the physical act of reading the news instead of just scrolling through our phones..
• Headline: RESEARCHERS STUDY KOSHER SLAUGHTER. Impact: This study ignited a movement for humane treatment of animals that eventually resulted in the first vegan kosher food truck, which ironically served tofu hot dogs.. Fact: Kosher laws are so strict that even your food has to be certified more rigorously than your average Tinder date!.