MAY 30, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Edric Smith and the Rockefeller Connection. Impact: If Edric Smith hadn't served the Rockefeller Group, the conspiracy theorists might have needed to find a new target for their wild theories about the world's elite controlling everything from the weather to your breakfast cereal.. Fact: Edric Smith's first job was not as a Rockefeller servant, but as a professional door holder. Talk about a career upgrade!.
• Headline: Nation Pays Tribute on Memorial Day. Impact: This solemn day of remembrance has led to an ongoing debate about how we honor our veterans, influencing everything from parades to the number of hot dogs consumed on this day.. Fact: Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day, because apparently honoring the dead with flowers was more popular than a day off work..
• Headline: The Legacy of Harry McCauley. Impact: Harry McCaulen's name might not ring any bells, but his existence contributed to the endless cycle of 'Who was that again?' conversations in history classes worldwide.. Fact: Harry once tried to start a new trend with his last name, but the world was just not ready for McCaulen-ism..
• Headline: Prices Under Automation. Impact: This headline might have set off a chain reaction of price hikes, leading to the eventual rise of coupon-clipping as a competitive sport in suburban living rooms.. Fact: Automated price adjustments are what led to the invention of the self-checkout, where people now avoid social interaction by pretending they don't know how to scan a banana..
• Headline: DANIEL F. MURPHY. Impact: Daniel F. Murphy's very existence has created confusion over how many Daniels are too many Daniels, leading to a diplomatic crisis in the realm of name duplication.. Fact: There are such a staggering number of Daniel Murphys in history that they might as well form a support group for people who can never find their name on a personalized mug..
• Headline: President Gets a Home-Run Ball for His Grandson. Impact: This simple act of a grandfather receiving a baseball for his grandson has undoubtedly led to countless little boys dreaming of baseball, while simultaneously ignoring their math homework.. Fact: They say that the ball was signed with such flair that it could have been mistaken for an art piece—too bad it was just a baseball, not a Picasso..
• Headline: 2d Hospital Strike Averted; Workers to Vote on Union; HOSPITAL STRIKE BY 2D UNION OFF. Impact: Had the strike not been averted, we may have seen a new trend in hospitals: 'Please check your pulse and take a number—our waitlist is now a reality show.'. Fact: In the end, the workers voted to avoid the strike, proving once again that everyone prefers getting paid over sleeping on a cot in the hospital lobby..
• Headline: France's Foreign Debt Is Listed at 3 Billion. Impact: This astronomical figure likely led to a few sleepless nights for French officials, causing them to invent the concept of 'the French nap' as a coping mechanism.. Fact: 3 billion dollars in foreign debt is just a drop in the bucket compared to the amount spent on croissants each year in France..
• Headline: TB ASSOCIATION ELECTS; Dr. H. M. Riggins of New York Takes Over Presidency. Impact: Dr. Riggins taking the presidency might have sparked an increase in tuberculosis awareness, which, in turn, led to the invention of the 'cough in your elbow' rule we all love to ignore.. Fact: Dr. Riggins once tried to rebrand TB as 'Tuberculosis: The Coolest Bacteria,' but sadly, it didn't catch on..
• Headline: DR. ZHA KITCHBL OF VISSAR DEID; Ex-Professor of English Was First Named to MacCracken Chair--Also a Biographer. Impact: The passing of Dr. Kitchel may have led to a ripple of English majors reconsidering their life choices, while also inspiring a dramatic increase in writing about writing.. Fact: Dr. Kitchel's biography was so thrilling that it was rumored to have been optioned for a Hollywood blockbuster, but the deal fell through when they couldn't find a dramatic enough font..