MAY 27, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Meyner Contemplates Special Session for Transit. Impact: If Meyner had actually called that special session, we might have had a world where commuters floated to work on hoverboards instead of sitting in traffic. Instead, we’re still stuck in our cars, contemplating life choices.. Fact: Did you know that most people consider 'transit solutions' to mean 'less time stuck in traffic'? Shocking, I know..
• Headline: Exciting Matches in Reisinger Cup 2D Round. Impact: The loss of those four quartets could have led to a renaissance in bridge-playing techniques, creating a new game called 'Bridge 2.0'. Instead, they went home and took up knitting.. Fact: Bridge: the only game where you can lose friends while simultaneously losing your sanity..
• Headline: Tweed Appointed President of Sarah Lawrence. Impact: Tweed's presidency might have inspired a new wave of arts and crafts education, leading to the rise of a generation obsessed with macramé. Thankfully, we avoided that calamity.. Fact: Sarah Lawrence: where the tuition is high, but the chances of finding yourself are even higher—whatever that means..
• Headline: STATE PLANS SYSTEM TO DETECT FALL-OUT. Impact: Had this detection system been implemented sooner, we could have avoided countless 'nuclear winter' parties. Instead, we’re still debating whether to keep our fallout shelters stocked with canned beans.. Fact: Fallout detection systems: because who doesn’t want to know when the apocalypse is coming?.
• Headline: 9 AFRICAN STATES TO STUDY ALGERIA; Concerned That No Solution Is in Sight, They Will Meet in Liberia in August 9 AFRICAN STATES TO STUDY ALGERIA. Impact: This meeting could have led to a groundbreaking peace treaty, but instead, it became a textbook example of why meetings should come with an exit strategy.. Fact: In international politics, 'studying' a problem often means sitting in a room hoping someone else has a bright idea..
• Headline: DEBRE CAUTIONS FRENCH DEPUTIES; Warns Assembly Not to Try to Bypass Constitution in Calling for Votes. Impact: Debre's warning might have saved France from a constitutional crisis, which could have led to a world where politicians argued over the definition of 'is'.. Fact: Constitutional crises: the adult version of 'he said, she said.'.
• Headline: Young G.O.P. Women Elect. Impact: The election of a young president could have inspired a wave of youth engagement in politics, leading to a future where young people actually care about who runs the country. What a concept!. Fact: Young politicians: because someone needs to remind the old guard that youth is more than just a state of mind..
• Headline: House Unit Votes to Cut Foreign Aid to 3.6 Billion; 266 Million Taken Off President's Figure, All in Military and Economic Grants -Loan Fund Increased in Policy Shift HOUSE BODY CUTS AID TO 3.6 BILLION. Impact: This vote may have sent shockwaves through diplomatic relations, possibly leading to a future where countries barter with cheese instead of dollars.. Fact: Foreign aid cuts: the gift that keeps on taking—who needs allies anyway?.
• Headline: Foster in World Atom Post. Impact: Foster's appointment could have been a turning point in nuclear diplomacy, but instead, it just meant more meetings filled with awkward silences and too many PowerPoint presentations.. Fact: Nuclear diplomacy: where the stakes are high, and the coffee is always cold..
• Headline: 2D UNION WARNS 7 MORE HOSPITALS OF STRIKE SPREAD; Hotel Employes Unit Tells Proprietary Institutions It May Act 'Any Time' DAVIS JAILING DELAYED Brooklyn Jewish Defers Its Move on Walkout Leader for Wagner Hearing 7 MORE HOSPITALS GET UNION THREAT. Impact: Had the union gone on strike, it might have sparked a national conversation about labor rights, resulting in hospitals transforming into wellness resorts. Instead, we just have more paperwork.. Fact: Strikes: the only time people agree that standing still is a good idea..