MAY 21, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: City Revamps Parking Regulations for Housing. Impact: If only the city had stuck to its parking woes, they might have invented a time machine to avoid all subsequent traffic jams. But instead, they allowed parking to evolve unchecked, leading to the modern-day 'parking-lot yoga' craze.. Fact: Did you know that parking lots are the only places where people can simultaneously feel lost and claustrophobic? Welcome to urban planning!.
• Headline: The Life of Mrs. William Huber. Impact: The mere mention of Mrs. William Huber created a ripple effect in the universe, leading to an increase in the number of people pondering the existential question: 'What about Mr. William Huber?'. Fact: Did you know that Mrs. William Huber was probably just trying to live her life, while the world around her was busy trying to figure out who she was? Classic!.
• Headline: Major General Ferguson Appointed Vice Commander. Impact: Maj Gen Ferguson stepping in as vice commander sparked a chain reaction that ultimately led to the creation of a new wing of the Air Research and Development Command dedicated entirely to 'How Not to Retire.'. Fact: Did you know that generals have a retirement plan that includes not just a pension, but also a lifetime supply of 'get off my lawn' signs?.
• Headline: WILEY DENOUNCES 5TH AVE. BUS LINE; Warning That One-Way Plan Will Cost Jobs 'Scurrilous,' He Holds -- Denial Issued. Impact: Wiley's passionate denouncement of the bus line likely caused a temporary surge in bus ridership, as people flocked to see the 'scurrilous' jobs warning—turns out, they were just trying to catch the drama.. Fact: Did you know that public transport debates often lead to more heated discussions than most reality TV shows? Drama on wheels!.
• Headline: MRS. THOMAS CRENNAN. Impact: Mrs. Thomas Crennan’s mention in headlines established a new precedent for how many Mrs. Huber-type folks would be relegated to the footnotes of history, effectively minimizing their contributions to just initials.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of history, Mrs. Thomas Crennan is probably the most famous Crennan no one has ever heard of? Talk about a paradox!.
• Headline: REV. J. POPPE. NBERG. Impact: Rev. J. Poppenberg's name being on the headlines led to an unexpected increase in parents naming their children 'Jerome,' hoping for a future of spiritual enlightenment. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work out.. Fact: Did you know that 'Poppenberg' might just be the most fun name to say in a sermon? It rolls right off the tongue!.
• Headline: Ceylon Swears 2 Ministers. Impact: Ceylon swearing in two ministers probably didn't change much in the grand scheme of things, but it did ensure that there were at least two more people nodding solemnly in meetings.. Fact: Did you know that swearing in ministers is just like a fancy version of a group hug in politics? Everyone pretends to care while secretly thinking about lunch..
• Headline: BAPTISTS CALLED TO BI-RACIAL TALK; Hays Bids Southern Group Meet With Two Leading Negro Denominations. Impact: The call for bi-racial talks among Baptists likely set a precedent for inter-denominational discussions that would lead to more potlucks than anyone could handle—a true test of culinary diplomacy.. Fact: Did you know that the real reason for bi-racial talks among Baptists is to figure out who brings the best casserole? It's a battle of the baked goods!.