MAY 20, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Workers Return Amid Union Strike Resolutions. Impact: The striking carpenters finally returning to work means that in an alternate timeline, NASA's launch schedules got derailed, leading to a world where humans never made it to the moon. Instead, they became professional picketers.. Fact: Did you know that picketing can actually serve as a form of exercise? Just imagine all those carpenters getting their daily steps in while advocating for fair wages!.
• Headline: Guterma's Trial Shift Denied. Impact: Guterma's failed bid for a trial shift inadvertently set off a chain reaction that led to the creation of reality TV courtroom shows, where viewers could vote on verdicts. Thank you, Guterma.. Fact: Did you know that court decisions can actually be more entertaining than some sitcoms? You never know when someone will throw a chair!.
• Headline: Connecticut House Passes Critical Budget Bill. Impact: The narrow passage of this budget bill led to a series of increasingly ridiculous budget proposals, culminating in the infamous ‘Taco Tuesday Fund’ that still haunts Congress.. Fact: Did you know that the average budget proposal in Congress is approximately 5% policy and 95% political theater? Grab your popcorn!.
• Headline: Three Geneva Parleys; Speeches Matched by Private Talks With Gromyko and West's Huddles. Impact: The diplomatic talks in Geneva were so close to progress that they inspired a whole genre of cold war spy thrillers, making James Bond a household name and leading to a global proliferation of martini recipes.. Fact: Did you know that in some alternate universe, they actually made a musical about the Geneva talks? Spoiler: it flopped harder than a lead balloon..
• Headline: Professor Wins Harvard Prize. Impact: Professor Fainsod winning a Harvard prize led to a domino effect of academic competition, resulting in a future where professors were judged solely by their ability to juggle while lecturing.. Fact: Did you know that Harvard has awarded prizes for everything from poetry to physics? Just imagine the trophy room!.
• Headline: Vincent Sheean Gets Passport to Peiping; U. S. LETS WRITER VISIT RED CHINA. Impact: Sheean's passport to Communist China opened the floodgates for American writers, leading to a bizarre 80s trend where every author had a book titled 'My Time in Red China'—none of which were remotely accurate.. Fact: Did you know that the U.S. once had a passport system so strict it could make a bouncer at an exclusive club look like a free-for-all?.
• Headline: Cairo to Try Alleged Reds. Impact: The trial of alleged Reds in Cairo sparked a global series of 'witch hunts' that somehow led to a rise in hipster cafes, where everyone pretends to be anti-establishment while sipping overpriced lattes.. Fact: Did you know that being accused of communism is basically like being unfollowed on social media? Both can feel like the end of the world!.
• Headline: WIDER BENEFITS URGED; State-Federal Panel Advises Compensation Coverage. Impact: The push for wider benefits created such a convoluted web of compensation laws that in the future, even getting a paper cut in the office comes with a 12-page benefits application.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than a government benefits form is assembling IKEA furniture without instructions?.
• Headline: TRUCK INSURANCE WILL RISE TODAY; Most Liability Rates Here Go Up 23.1% -- Increase in State Averages 16.1. Impact: The truck insurance rate hike led to a nationwide shortage of truck drivers, who all decided to take up careers in interpretive dance instead, resulting in traffic chaos and a startling rise in complaint letters.. Fact: Did you know that before insurance rates go up, there’s often a hidden meeting where they all laugh maniacally? No, really—it's a thing!.
• Headline: Algerian Charges U. S. Blocks Shipments of Arms to Rebels; ALGERIAN ASSERTS U. S. BLOCKS ARMS. Impact: Algerian rebels blaming the U.S. for blocking arms shipments led to a decade of conspiracy theories that suggested the U.S. was secretly running a global hide-and-seek championship.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'conspiracy theory' was almost replaced by 'creative storytelling' in the 70s? Alas, the paperwork just got too complicated!.