MARCH 25, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: High-Jump Champion Injured by Elevator. Impact: If only Thomas had taken the stairs instead of the elevator, we might have cured world hunger by now. Instead, we get a high-jump star sidelined and a world still obsessed with elevator maintenance.. Fact: Fun fact: elevators have been known to start spontaneous conversations about life choices, especially after a foot injury..
• Headline: Soviet Missile Bases Under Scrutiny. Impact: This lack of missile evidence led to decades of speculation, conspiracy theories, and the classic, 'What if?' scenarios that kept armchair generals awake at night. Thanks, Baldwin, for the sleepless nights.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more unreliable than missile intelligence is a politician's promise?.
• Headline: General McAuliffe Appointed Chief of Civil Defense. Impact: McAuliffe's appointment meant a resurgence of the phrase 'Nuts!' in military strategy discussions, leading to a bizarre cult following of exclamations and an unexpected spike in peanut sales.. Fact: Interestingly, 'Nuts!' is also the phrase you use when realizing you forgot to set your coffee maker before leaving for work..
• Headline: Managing Editor Is Appointed. Impact: The appointment of a managing editor led to a chain reaction of awkward office coffee breaks and the creation of more unreadable editorials than any publication could ever need.. Fact: Did you know that managing editors are basically the adult versions of babysitters, but with more coffee and less fun?.
• Headline: TWO VALENTIS MAKE A NEW FREEDOM BID. Impact: The Valentis' freedom bid sparked a nationwide trend of 'freedom bids' that unfortunately only led to more paperwork and a lot of disappointed lawyers.. Fact: Fun fact: Freedom bids are a lawyer's way of saying, 'I'll take your money now and give you hope later.'.
• Headline: STATE TO EXTEND ITS BUILDING CODE; Last-Minute Bill Transfers Functions of Commission to Housing Department. Impact: The extension of the building code led to an avalanche of new regulations that left contractors confused and led to the invention of the phrase 'we'll get back to you on that.'. Fact: Fun fact: Building codes were originally designed to protect us from ourselves, but much like a toddler, they often cause more chaos..
• Headline: SEVAREID TAKING A 4-MONTH LEAVE; C. B. S. Commentator Then Will Join London Bureau -- 'Today' Going to Paris. Impact: Sevareid's leave sparked a nationwide trend of journalists taking extended vacations, which inadvertently led to a shortage of actual news and an increase in cat videos.. Fact: Did you know that 'taking a leave' is just a fancy way to say 'I need a break from the nonsense'?.