MARCH 20, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Submarines Set Record Under Arctic Ice. Impact: When Trout and Harder cruised under the ice, they inadvertently inspired a generation of explorers who believed they could discover Atlantis, leading to countless failed expeditions and a surge in questionable reality TV shows. Fact: Did you know that submarines were once considered the ultimate underwater vehicles until someone invented the idea of just holding your breath?.
• Headline: House Passes Landmark Airport Aid Bill. Impact: The passage of this airport aid bill set off a chain reaction that eventually led to the creation of airport food courts, where travelers would eternally question why a sandwich costs as much as a small car. Fact: Fun fact: $297,000,000 in 1960 could buy you an entire fleet of private jets, or just a lot of airport hot dogs.
• Headline: MAYOR SEES PERIL IN PRINTER STRIKE; Cites Effects of Walkout at Papers Last December -- Talks Are Stalled. Impact: The printer strike revealed the fragility of the press, which ironically led to the rise of social media 'news' outlets where everyone can be a journalist and where facts are as optional as wearing pants while typing. Fact: Printers have been known to strike, but they rarely get the same attention as other labor movements, probably because they lack the cool picket signs.
• Headline: State G. O. P. Kills Plan to Help Rails By Cutting Crews; ALBANY SHELVES ONE RAIL-AID BILL. Impact: Killing the rail aid plan meant that railroads would struggle for decades, leading to the rise of alternative transportation methods, including carpooling with strangers who definitely don’t have a secret agenda. Fact: Full-crew laws were around to ensure safety, but apparently, the Republican Senators thought a game of musical chairs would be just as effective.
• Headline: Too Good to Be True, Some Taxpayers Think. Impact: The skepticism from taxpayers about their returns hinted at the future of tax-related conspiracy theories, leading to generations of citizens believing that the government collects their money to fund a secret army of squirrels. Fact: Nothing says 'trust' like receiving thousands of tax returns and wondering if you accidentally typed in '1 million' instead of '1' for your deductions.
• Headline: G. SHERWIN HAXTON. Impact: G. Sherwin Haxton's existence may seem minor, but it serves as a reminder that every historical figure has a story, even if their story involves an unremarkable middle name. Fact: Nobody knows what G. stands for, but it’s likely ‘Generic,’ considering how many names have been lost to time.
• Headline: Taylor Confers in Ottawa. Impact: General Taylor's meetings in Ottawa would eventually lead to the establishment of 'friendly' cross-border military collaborations, which is just a euphemism for 'let’s keep an eye on each other, eh?'. Fact: Conferencing with military officials is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s have a serious talk over coffee about how to avoid international incidents.'.
• Headline: NARROWS SPAN BILL OPPOSED BY MAYOR. Impact: Mayor Wagner's opposition to the Narrows Span Bill foreshadowed a long history of local politicians arguing over infrastructure projects, ultimately leading to towns filled with potholes and broken promises. Fact: Opposing a bill is like saying 'I’d rather not have a bridge at all'—because who needs easy access to the other side?.