FEBRUARY 4, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Smith, Kline & French Drug Research Funding. Impact: The $12 million investment in drug research led to the development of countless pharmaceuticals, including some that might have made your grandma's arthritis cream. But it also inadvertently paved the way for the rise of big pharma's questionable ads—thank you, Smith, Kline & French!. Fact: That $12 million in 1959 would be like a billion dollars today. Imagine how many 'miracle cures' they could have advertised instead!.
• Headline: Jury Deliberation in Hulsen Case Continues. Impact: The jury's endless deliberation would go on to inspire countless courtroom dramas, ensuring that future generations would spend more time watching lawyers argue than actually getting any justice.. Fact: Jury duty is the only time you can sit in a room full of strangers and be legally required to ignore your phone for hours on end!.
• Headline: T Y Crowell Co Novel Contest Winners. Impact: The Student Novel Contest winners would eventually lead to a literary revolution, inspiring countless students to think they could write the next great American novel—even if their only experience was writing Facebook posts.. Fact: S Mitchner probably did not expect this award to lead to a career of using the phrase 'literary genius' to describe his mediocre blog!.
• Headline: McElroy Defends Data in His Budget; M'ELROY DEFENDS HIS BUDGET FACTS. Impact: McElroy's insistence on his budget facts would echo through time, leading to the immortal phrase 'Budget cuts' becoming synonymous with government incompetence. Congratulations, McElroy!. Fact: It's always amazing how much 'data' can be twisted to fit a budget—like trying to fit into your jeans after Thanksgiving dinner!.
• Headline: Advertising: New Pitch for Electric Ranges. Impact: This advertising campaign for electric ranges led to an obsession with kitchen gadgets that still persists today. Somewhere, someone is still trying to make toast in a microwave.. Fact: Electric ranges were once the pinnacle of modern convenience. Now we just use them to store takeout containers!.
• Headline: BRIDGE GAME SHOWN ON ELECTRIC BOARD. Impact: The introduction of electronic boards in bridge games would eventually lead to more people getting into arguments over games than actual life decisions. Thank you, technology!. Fact: This was probably the first time people were more interested in watching a screen than the actual people playing the game—a precursor to eSports!.
• Headline: QUITS MUSICIANS UNION; Secretary Resigns After 16 Years, Citing III Health. Impact: L Cluesman's resignation marked the end of an era, fostering a wave of 'musician unions' that would ultimately lead to the creation of 'band drama'—the real reason you hear about so many breakups in the music industry.. Fact: 16 years as a secretary? That’s like a lifetime in musician years—basically a whole saga of fights over who gets the last slice of pizza!.
• Headline: DIVIN RETAINS TITLE; Czech Figure Skater Keeps European Championship. Impact: Divin retaining his title inspired a generation of skaters to think that if you just wear enough sequins, you could accomplish anything. The ice skating world would never be the same!. Fact: Czech figure skaters are known for their grace and elegance, and here I am still trying not to fall on my face just walking down the street!.
• Headline: TEAMSTER IS FREED ON ORDER OF JUDGE. Impact: The acquittal of Teamster Crosby set a precedent for labor rights that would ripple through time, leading to both union victories and a lot of melodramatic courtroom scenes in movies.. Fact: Being freed on a judge's order sounds great, but it usually just means there’s a new court date on the calendar. Cheers to that!.
• Headline: OBERLIN HEAD TO RETIRE; Stevenson Wants to Devote Time to Public Service. Impact: Stevenson's retirement would lead to a series of bizarre public service announcements that made people wonder if he was actually doing anything productive. Spoiler: he wasn't.. Fact: Retiring to 'devote time to public service' is just a fancy way of saying, 'I plan to do absolutely nothing and still get paid for it!'.