JANUARY 12, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Record Output of Douglas Fir Plywood in 1958. Impact: The record output of fir plywood led to an unsustainable obsession with DIY projects. Fast forward a few decades, and you've got a nation full of half-finished furniture all because someone thought they could build their own coffee table after watching a single YouTube tutorial. Fact: Did you know that in 1958, the average American was still using a rotary phone? Imagine trying to order plywood with that kind of technology!.
• Headline: Jersey Jobs Decline Sparks Corporate Concern. Impact: The uncertainty over corporate tax led many executives to huddle in dark rooms wondering how to dodge taxes, which eventually gave birth to some very creative accounting techniques and a whole new genre of corporate espionage movies. Fact: Isn't it adorable how people thought job security was a thing? Spoiler alert: it wasn't.
• Headline: Export and Import Data Listed for Puerto Rico. Impact: The listing of export and import data for Puerto Rico inadvertently set the stage for future debates about its statehood, leading to an endless loop of political discussions that could bore a sloth to sleep. Fact: Fun fact: Puerto Rico has been juggling its status longer than most people can juggle three balls. Spoiler: they’re still not a state.
• Headline: 2 Billion Pounds of Food Is Going to the Dogs. Impact: The staggering amount of dog food consumption foreshadowed the rise of pet influencers on social media, as dogs began demanding gourmet meals, leading to the inevitable downfall of humanity in the quest for 'pup-ularity'. Fact: If only we could channel all that dog food energy into feeding the hungry; imagine the possibilities! But, you know, priorities.
• Headline: California 'Peace Parley' Is Proposed to Mikoyan; U. S.-SOVIET TALKS ON COAST URGED. Impact: The proposed peace parley with Mikoyan turned into a prolonged game of diplomatic chicken, where neither side wanted to be the first to blink. This eventually led to more summits than anyone could count and a collective headache that spans decades. Fact: If only they knew that peace talks were just a fancy way of saying, 'Let's sit in a room and stare at each other until someone gives in.'.
• Headline: Lead Pencil Holds On As No.1 Writing Device. Impact: The lead pencil's dominance as the top writing device ensured that future generations would never fully appreciate the thrill of a good fountain pen. Thanks a lot, 1958. Fact: 1.5 billion pencils sold? That's a lot of 'I’m going to start writing my novel' plans that never made it past the first chapter.
• Headline: LUMBER OUTPUT AT 13-YEAR LOW; Passing of 1958 Lamented by Few in the Industry -- Drive Starts Soon. Impact: The lamenting of lumber output hitting a 13-year low became a rallying cry for hipsters everywhere, who would later adopt reclaimed wood as their aesthetic of choice, inadvertently inflating prices for everyone else. Fact: Nothing says 'I care about the environment' like building a coffee table out of wood that was already dead for decades.
• Headline: CHICAGO TEMPERS VIEWS ON SEAWAY; Bullish Attitude Is Replaced by a Recognition That Many Problems Exist. Impact: Chicago's tempered views on the Seaway resulted in years of infrastructure debates, which eventually proved that optimism can only last until the first snowstorm when everyone realizes the roads are a disaster. Fact: Ah, the St. Lawrence Seaway—the infrastructure project that promised to make everything better and instead reminded everyone that construction is just a fancy term for chaos.