DECEMBER 5, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Travia Becomes Assembly Leader. Impact: Travia's rise to power led to a ripple effect where Brooklyn became the epicenter for all things mediocre in Democratic leadership, ultimately causing a vast increase in brunch spots serving overpriced avocado toast. Thanks, Sharkey!. Fact: Fun fact: The last time a Brooklyn politician was truly inspiring was probably never. But hey, at least they have great bagels!.
• Headline: Army QM Depot Revises Bid Protocol. Impact: By tightening bid terms, the Army inadvertently set off a chain reaction that led to the rise of a new underground economy of bid consultants who charge exorbitant fees for advice on how to not respond to Army requests.. Fact: Did you know that bid responses are the adult equivalent of schoolyard dodgeball? Everyone's just trying to avoid being hit by a rejection!.
• Headline: Dulles Bars Easing Policy On Germany or Red China; Holds That Recognition of Peiping Would Imperil Asian Allies of U. S. -- Rejects Trade With Mainland Regime. Impact: Dulles' refusal to ease policies on Germany and Red China created a timeline where diplomatic discussions were replaced by awkward social media posts that still haunt us today.. Fact: Did you know that Dulles once thought about starting a podcast? It was called 'Dulles Talks Diplomacy,' but nobody listened because, well, it was dull..
• Headline: JACK LAVELLE, FOOTBALL SGOUTI; Observer/or the New York Giants Dies at 52--Traok Starter Was Raconteur. Impact: Jack Lavelle's death led to an unexpected rise in football scouting by amateur enthusiasts, resulting in a bizarre trend of neighborhood kids creating 'scouting reports' on their pets.. Fact: Did you know that Jack Lavelle once tried to scout a cat? The cat promptly ignored him and continued napping. He was clearly ahead of his time!.
• Headline: EX-DICTATOR HELD AT SEA BY BOGOTA; Rojas Pinilla Being Detained on Warship in Caribbean After Failure of Plot. Impact: Rojas Pinilla's detainment at sea sparked a series of very serious pirate-themed party games in Bogota, which then took the world by storm and led to a spike in eye patches and rum consumption.. Fact: Did you know that Rojas Pinilla once tried to run a pirate-themed campaign? It didn't go well, mostly because he didn't have a ship..
• Headline: SPANISH AIRLINER LOST; Plane With 21 Aboard Missing on Vigo-Madrid Flight. Impact: The Spanish airliner's disappearance kicked off a new trend in conspiracy theories, giving birth to the infamous 'Lost Flight' genre that still plagues the internet today with wild claims and zero evidence.. Fact: Did you know that missing airplanes have a way of inspiring more theories than missing socks? At least socks don’t start cults..
• Headline: CLOSE VOTE IN U.N. ASKS CYPRUS TALK; Greek Proposals Defeated -- Final Action in Doubt. Impact: The close vote in the U.N. over Cyprus not only delayed any resolutions but also sparked a whole new wave of U.N. bingo games, where representatives could win prizes for every abstained vote.. Fact: Did you know that the last U.N. bingo night ended in chaos? Apparently, no one realized that 'abstain' was the new 'I’m just here for the snacks.'.