OCTOBER 15, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Olean's Strong Identity Against Mischaracterization. Impact: If Olean had embraced its identity as a 'sleepy-looking hamlet', it could have become a haven for introverts and hipsters seeking peace. Instead, its rebellious spirit inspired a nationwide trend of towns trying too hard to be cool, leading to an explosion of overpriced coffee shops and ironic thrift stores.. Fact: Did you know that Olean once tried to market itself as the 'capital of all things not exciting'? It didn't catch on, but the slogan was a hit among local librarians..
• Headline: Symposium on Viral Infections and Diagnostics. Impact: The struggle to isolate the cold virus led to the creation of a highly secretive lab known as the 'Sneezatorium', where researchers have since dedicated their lives to understanding why people still insist on going to work with a cold instead of just staying home.. Fact: Did you know that the common cold has been around so long that it could have voted in several elections? This virus truly knows how to stick around!.
• Headline: City Council Urges Fare Subsidy. Impact: The unanimous decision to subsidize fares led to the installation of more 'How to Use Public Transport' signs than actual public transport users. This paved the way for the confused masses to take selfies instead of buses, thus spawning a new social media trend.. Fact: Did you know that the last time someone understood the entire public transit system was in 1972? They were last seen wandering the streets, looking for a bus that no longer exists..
• Headline: British Ships Escape Gunboat. Impact: The near-miss of British trawlers led to a secret pact between fishermen and pirates, resulting in a short-lived but thrilling era of fishing tournaments that ended in massive seafood feasts and a lot of very confused seagulls.. Fact: Did you know that if you play 'London Bridge is Falling Down' backwards while fishing, it increases your chances of catching a fish by 37%? Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be fun?.
• Headline: Power Co-ops Voice Concern. Impact: The concern voiced by electric co-ops triggered an underground movement of electricity-saving ninjas who stealthily switched off lights in government buildings, leading to a nationwide blackout that coincidentally boosted the candle industry.. Fact: Did you know that the average American leaves a light on for 7.5 years of their life? That's a lot of wasted electricity – or a really long romance with a light bulb..
• Headline: Bishop Sherrill Hailed By a Catholic Prelate. Impact: Bishop Sherrill's dinner was such a hit that it sparked a wave of rival church potlucks, leading to a culinary arms race where churches competed for the best mac and cheese recipe, forever altering the landscape of community bonding.. Fact: Did you know that church potlucks have been scientifically proven to increase happiness by 67%? Just don’t forget the casserole dish!.
• Headline: NIXON, ON COAST, SAYS G.O.P. GAINS; Asserts Moon Shot Deflated Democrats -- Insists His Party Will Be Winner. Impact: Nixon's assertion about G.O.P. gains caused a ripple effect in the political landscape, leading to a series of questionable 'moon shot' metaphors that have haunted political speeches ever since, with everyone trying to one-up each other on the space puns.. Fact: Did you know that Nixon once tried to run a campaign based on the slogan 'We’re not just shooting for the moon, we’re shooting for Mars'? Spoiler: it didn’t work..
• Headline: DULLES MAY HAVE A ROLE AT GENEVA; Says He May Take Part in Latter Stages of Talks on Nuclear Test Ban. Impact: Dulles considering participation in nuclear talks led to a series of dinner parties where world leaders tried to outdo each other with their knowledge of nuclear trivia, sparking an international 'Nuclear Jeopardy!' craze.. Fact: Did you know that most leaders would rather discuss their favorite pizza toppings than nuclear disarmament? At least the conversations are cheesy..
• Headline: NEW AGENCY ASKS ARMY TO GIVE UP SPACE SCIENTISTS; Glennan Also Seeks Major Facilities -- Pentagon Will Protest to President SPACE UNIT SEEKS ARMY SCIENTIST. Impact: NASA's request for army scientists resulted in a clandestine competition between space agencies and the military, which ultimately led to the invention of the world's first space-faring tank, capable of tackling both asteroids and alien invasions.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing stopping the Pentagon from launching a space army is that they can’t agree on which branch of the military gets to wear the coolest uniforms? Space is hard, but style is harder!.