SEPTEMBER 9, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Liberals Nominate Edward Goodell for AG. Impact: Had Goodell not been chosen, the entire state legal system might have turned into a circus, complete with clowns and unqualified jugglers, leading to a world where lawyers are only hired for their ability to perform magic tricks.. Fact: Goodell’s campaign was so exciting, it made watching paint dry seem like a thrill ride..
• Headline: U.S. Condemns Shelling of Quemoy Island. Impact: This shelling incident sparked a series of diplomatic debates that eventually led to a UN resolution that required all members to take a mandatory nap before discussing sensitive topics.. Fact: The U.S. Group’s report was so shocking, it made everyone in the room wish they had stayed home to binge-watch reality TV instead..
• Headline: Armbruster in Assembly Race. Impact: Armbruster's candidacy sent shockwaves through the political world, prompting other candidates to start using their middle names for extra flair, which led to the first-ever 'Middle Name Debate' in history.. Fact: Armbruster's supporters claimed he was the best thing to happen to the Assembly since someone brought in a coffee machine..
• Headline: DEMOCRATS NAME BATTIPAGLIA CHIEF; Supported by De Sapio, He Replaces Crisona as Head of the Party in Queens. Impact: Battipaglia's ascension sparked a trend of increasingly Italian-themed political parties, culminating in a pizza party at the White House for bipartisan cooperation. Yes, pizza was the solution all along.. Fact: Battipaglia's election party featured more cannoli than actual political strategy..
• Headline: G. O. P. IS ACCUSED OF 32 FALSEHOODS; Prendergast Hits Campaign Statements as Democrats Publish a 'Lie Detector'. Impact: The introduction of the 'Lie Detector Bulletin' caused a surge in truth-telling that, unfortunately, resulted in a nationwide crisis of confidence in politicians, leading to the unprecedented rise of cats as trusted advisors.. Fact: The 'Lie Detector Bulletin' was so effective that it later inspired a reality TV show called 'Keeping Up With the Politicians'—and yes, the ratings were a disaster..
• Headline: Stevenson Hails French Gains In Developing Oil of the Sahara; Visits Center of Operations, Talks With Workers and Is Snubbed by Camel -- Due to Return Here Today. Impact: Stevenson's snub by a camel led to a newfound respect for animal rights activists, creating a generation of politicians who were terrified of offending pets, and yes, they started hiring animal consultants.. Fact: The camel’s refusal to engage with Stevenson sparked a viral meme: 'When you’re just not that into politics.'.
• Headline: NO CUTS PLANNED IN SHORE PATROLS; Army and Navy Deny Report Attributed to Commander of New London Base. Impact: The denial of cuts in shore patrols ensured that sailors remained safely at their posts, preventing a future where naval officers would have to take up knitting to pass the time.. Fact: The rumor of cuts was so ridiculous that it led to a new Navy slogan: 'No sailor left behind, unless it's to join a knitting circle.'.