SEPTEMBER 6, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gore's Keynote at Congress Celebration. Impact: If Al Gore hadn't been acclaimed in Congress, we might have never invented the internet. Or maybe we would have, but it would have been called 'GoreNet' and only accessible from a dial-up connection.. Fact: Did you know that Congress acclaiming someone is basically like giving them a participation trophy? Good job, Sen. Gore!.
• Headline: Jobless Aid Claims Show Mixed Trends. Impact: The dwindling jobless aid created a ripple effect that made people get creative with their finances. Thus, the birth of the 'side hustle' culture, which unfortunately led to an explosion of cat meme accounts.. Fact: Did you know that 'jobless aid' is just a polite way of saying, 'We ran out of money to help you?'.
• Headline: LIQUOR TAX LAGS; Collections Off $26,734,000 in Year Ended June 30. Impact: The decline in liquor tax collections marked the beginning of a nationwide trend of people finding new and creative ways to drink without paying taxes—like bootlegging, which is basically hipster for 'I’m too cool for store-bought.'. Fact: Did you know that the government likes to tax your alcohol but gets mad when you drink it? It's like a parent giving you candy and then yelling at you for eating it!.
• Headline: The Age of the Jet. Impact: The 'Age of the Jet' brought about a revolution in travel, leading to countless bad in-flight movies and the invention of airport security lines that make you question your life choices.. Fact: Did you know that before jets, people traveled by train or horse? Imagine being stuck on a train for three days with only a deck of cards and no Wi-Fi!.
• Headline: Suburbia Gets Drive-In Supermarket. Impact: The introduction of drive-in supermarkets paved the way for modern-day grocery delivery apps, which means you can now buy ice cream while still in your pajamas—truly the pinnacle of human achievement.. Fact: Did you know that drive-in supermarkets were just an elaborate scheme to keep you from ever leaving your car again? Welcome to the future!.
• Headline: QUEMOY BLOCKADE BY CHINESE REDS FOUND EFFECTIVE; No Major Troop or Supply Runs Completed Since Current Drive Began TAIWAN NAVY ACCUSED Some Army Men Question Its Effort -- Taipei May Ask 7th Fleet's Help School and Hospital on Quemoy Are Among Buildings Damaged in Heavy Shelling by Chinese Communists Blockade of Quemoy Effective; Taiwan Army Men Blame Navy. Impact: The blockade of Quemoy not only intensified tensions in Taiwan but also sparked conspiracy theories about whether the U.S. Navy was secretly running a submarine sandwich shop on the side.. Fact: Did you know that blockades are just like your annoying roommate who refuses to share the TV remote? They make everything more complicated!.
• Headline: Claims Decline in U. S.. Impact: The decline in claims in the U.S. created a false sense of economic security that led to a generation of people believing that their avocado toast habits were sustainable. Spoiler alert: They weren't.. Fact: Did you know that the Labor Department's reports are basically the adult version of 'everything is fine' while your house is on fire?.
• Headline: 2 Die in Chilean Earthquakes. Impact: The earthquake in Chile was a tragic reminder that Mother Nature doesn't care about borders, and it led to increased funding for disaster preparedness that probably still gets wasted on bad planning.. Fact: Did you know that earthquakes are nature's way of reminding us that we need to stop taking solid ground for granted? It's like the Earth's version of 'surprise!'.