AUGUST 27, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Transit Funding Cuts Alerted by City Officials. Impact: If transit funds had been granted, perhaps cities would have developed efficient public transportation systems, leading to a world where flying cars and teleportation were a reality by 2020. But instead, we got stuck in traffic and overpriced Uber rides.. Fact: In 1959, many thought cars would be flying by now. Instead, we just have a lot of people complaining about public transit while driving their gas-guzzlers..
• Headline: G.O.P. Gains Support in Downstate Elections. Impact: The GOP's decision to focus on 'downstate' counties inadvertently set off a chain reaction that led to the rise of local politicians who thought they could make a career out of being slightly less bad than their predecessors. And here we are today.. Fact: Downstate, upstate, side-state—New York has more political divisions than a soap opera has plot twists..
• Headline: 5 WHO LOST JOBS SUE; $500,000 Asked on Ousters After 5th Amendment Pleas. Impact: The lawsuit from the five ex-employees may have sparked a trend of suing for everything under the sun—leading to the modern age where everyone thinks they deserve a million dollars for tripping over their own shoelaces.. Fact: In the world of lawsuits, the 5th Amendment is basically the 'get out of jail free' card—unless you're in Monopoly, in which case, good luck..
• Headline: 'Sweeper' Satellites Urged to Thwart Rays. Impact: Dr. Singer's satellite plans could have led to a space race where countries fought over who had the coolest space gadgets—only to realize they were just collecting space junk instead.. Fact: You know you're a true genius when your idea to save the world involves sending more stuff into space. Thanks, Dr. Singer!.
• Headline: RED AIR ATTACKS EASE AT QUEMOY; Sea Activity Also Slackens but Shelling Goes On -- Nationalists Retaliate RED AIR ATTACKS EASE AT QUEMOY. Impact: The easing of red air attacks at Quemoy likely created a brief moment of optimism, only to be followed by decades of geopolitical messes that would make even the most seasoned diplomat cry.. Fact: Quemoy: where the struggle for control is as complicated as trying to understand your relatives at Thanksgiving dinner..
• Headline: MORSE REPORTED IN CONTROL DEAL; Landa Says Penn-Texas Will Take Over but Retain Present Management. Impact: Morse's control deal may have set off a corporate domino effect where companies realized they could run things without actually doing anything—welcome to the era of corporate mediocrity.. Fact: Nothing says 'trust us' like a company buying back its own stock—it's basically a corporate hug that says, 'We believe in ourselves!'.
• Headline: SINGAPORE TO JAIL GANGS; Youths May Get Two Years Without Trial.