AUGUST 17, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Presidential Leisure in Gettysburg. Impact: Had the President not played golf that day, he might have discovered the secret to world peace hidden under the 18th hole, leading to a utopia where everyone drinks iced tea and shares memes instead of grievances.. Fact: Did you know that golf has been known to resolve international disputes? Just ask the countless world leaders who've tried to putt their way to diplomacy!.
• Headline: Eisenhower's Diplomatic Assurance to Venezuela. Impact: Eisenhower's warm words ignited a nationwide passion for diplomacy, leading to the establishment of the first international hug festival, which eventually turned into a competitive sport.. Fact: Did you know that in 1958, there was a brief moment when people thought 'Eisenhower' was a new dance? Turns out, it was just a misunderstanding about his enthusiasm for social gatherings..
• Headline: ALCORN HOPEFUL ON CONGRESS RACE; G.O.P. Chairman Says Party Chances for November 'Have Vastly Improved'. Impact: Alcorn's optimism spread like wildfire, inspiring a generation of politicians to believe they could actually win elections without having to listen to their constituents, ultimately resulting in an annual 'Best of Ignoring Voters' award.. Fact: Did you know that G.O.P. stands for 'Greatly Overly Optimistic Party' during election season? It's a title they wear with pride!.
• Headline: DIRTY BACKYARDS DRAW PROTESTS; Sanitation Inspectors Warn West 103d St. Residents on Dropping Garbage. Impact: Residents' protests led to the establishment of an underground garbage art movement, where discarded items were transformed into avant-garde sculptures, ultimately giving rise to the modern art movement we know today.. Fact: Did you know that throwing garbage out of windows is now considered an extreme sport in some neighborhoods? It's called 'Urban Litter-lympics!'.
• Headline: IRAQIS CHARGE U.S. AIDED WAR PLANS; Move for Attack on Syria Laid to West as Trial of Faisal's Aides Opens. Impact: This accusation sparked a series of conspiracy theories that suggested the U.S. was secretly running a 'War Plans R Us' store, where nations could pick and choose their conflicts like kids in a candy store.. Fact: Did you know that some believe the phrase 'Iraqis charge U.S. aided war plans' was actually a failed attempt at marketing a new board game? If only it had been a hit!.
• Headline: THE NEWS OF THE WEEK IN REVIEW; Mideast Dilemma. Impact: The Mideast Dilemma became a euphemism for every political debate since, leading to the creation of countless coffee shop discussions where everyone pretends to know what they're talking about.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'Mideast Dilemma' was almost replaced with 'Middle East Malarkey' but decided against for fear of offending the malarkey itself?.
• Headline: Life by Intrigue: The Mideast; Realities in the Arab World have made guile a necessity for survival. Centuries of practice have raised it to the status of a fine art.. Impact: The art of intrigue in the Arab world blossomed, leading to the invention of reality TV shows that featured scheming politicians, ultimately inspiring today's obsession with drama-filled shows like 'The Real Housewives of Reality Politics.'. Fact: Did you know that Nasser was once considered for a role in a daytime soap opera? Producers thought he had the perfect mix of charisma and chaos!.
• Headline: Island Traffic Curbs Ended. Impact: Lifting traffic curbs resulted in a surge of tourists who mistakenly believed Johnston Island was a tropical paradise, leading to the development of a thriving economy based entirely on sunburns and souvenir t-shirts.. Fact: Did you know that before the traffic curbs were lifted, Johnston Island was often referred to as the 'Best Kept Secret' of the Pacific? Turns out, it was just a really boring secret!.
• Headline: Wolcott Gibbs, 56, Drama Critic, Dies; WOLCOTT GIBBS, 56, DRAMA CRITIC, DIES. Impact: Wolcott Gibbs' death led to an unexpected revival of his critiques, with drama critics everywhere suddenly realizing they could write about the absurdity of life itself, paving the way for modern satire.. Fact: Did you know that Gibbs once wrote a review so scathing it was said to have caused a theater to spontaneously combust? Okay, maybe not, but it was pretty intense!.