JULY 11, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Head of History Department Appointed. Impact: Dr. Land's hiring led to a surge in history majors, who later became the most annoying trivia nerds at parties, forever ruining social gatherings with facts about the French Revolution.. Fact: Fun fact: Dr. Land once tried to teach a class solely using interpretive dance. Spoiler alert: it didn’t end well..
• Headline: British Classics Featured in Brussels. Impact: The performance inspired a secret society of musicians who believed they could communicate with extraterrestrial life through Holst's 'The Planets'. Spoiler: the aliens were not impressed.. Fact: If you listen closely, some say you can hear the universe's feedback on that performance. It's mostly just a lot of 'meh'..
• Headline: Faculty Farewell at City College. Impact: The retirement of these professors led to a significant decrease in coffee consumption on campus, resulting in a 37% drop in general grumpiness among students. Who knew caffeine was the real campus glue?. Fact: One of the retiring professors was known for giving pop quizzes on the first day of class. Because who doesn’t love a bit of existential dread on the first day?.
• Headline: Airmen Tell of Beatings, Near-Lynching in Soviet; Five Who Parachuted Say Farmers Set Upon Them Before Soldiers Came -- Official Treatment Called Good 5 AIRMEN RELATE SOVIET BEATINGS. Impact: The airmen's harrowing experience led to a viral trend of 'Soviet Beatdown Survivor' t-shirts, which became a popular fashion statement among the more daring college students.. Fact: Despite the beatings, the airmen reported that they were served borscht that was surprisingly decent. It turns out, culinary skills can transcend political tensions..
• Headline: Weeks Sees 'Definite Upswing' In National Economy This Fall; WEEKS CONFIDENT OF FALL UPSWING. Impact: Weeks' optimistic forecast created a nationwide influx of people buying lottery tickets, mistakenly believing that economic upswing meant they would win big. Spoiler: they didn't.. Fact: Weeks was later found to be a closet gambler himself, proving once again that politicians should probably avoid betting on the economy..
• Headline: Missile Fired 6,000 Miles, Setting a U. S. Test Record; Combined Thor-Vanguard Vehicle Down in South Atlantic in Ascension Area -- Nose Cone With Mouse Is Hunted ROCKETED MOUSE IS HUNTED AT SEA. Impact: The successful reentry test inadvertently sparked a race among pet owners to send their cats to space. Many believed their pets could handle the cosmic pressure better than they could.. Fact: The nose cone was later discovered to have been filled with catnip. Coincidence? I think not..
• Headline: U.S. Reports Trials Of Former Rebels Grow in Hungary; U. S. CITES TRIALS HELD IN HUNGARY. Impact: The trials in Hungary influenced a new wave of dystopian novels, as writers sought to capture the absurdity of bureaucratic justice through the lens of, well, sheer absurdity.. Fact: One of the trials was so absurd that it inspired a drinking game among literary circles: take a shot for every time the judge looks confused..
• Headline: Music: Elman Is Soloist at Stadium; Infuses Tchaikovsky Concerto With Ardor His Tone Is Rich and Sumptuous as Ever. Impact: Elman’s performance inspired a generation of violinists who believed they could channel the spirit of Tchaikovsky, leading to a decade of violinists dramatically posing on stage before playing their first note.. Fact: Tchaikovsky once said that if he had a dollar for every time someone butchered his concerto, he could fund a new symphony. Too bad he didn’t live to see Elman..