JUNE 10, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Frogmen Search for Cortes' Lost Ships. Impact: If the Frogmen find those ships, we might just discover Hernán Cortés's secret stash of gold, leading to a global gold rush, which ultimately causes inflation and everyone blaming millennials for the economy while hoarding Bitcoin.. Fact: Frogmen, also known as combat divers, are not just about finding lost ships; they also have a knack for finding overpriced watches at the bottom of the ocean!.
• Headline: German Reds Demand U.S. Talks on Soldiers. Impact: The Germans asking for direct talks might just be the start of a new trend where countries negotiate through interpretive dance, which, let’s be honest, would make international relations a lot more entertaining.. Fact: Direct talks are often more effective than sending passive-aggressive emails. Who knew diplomacy could be so simple?.
• Headline: U.S. May Use A-Bombs To Make Alaska Harbor. Impact: Using A-bombs to create a harbor could lead to a new trend in 'explosive landscaping'—who doesn’t want their backyard to have a nuclear water feature?. Fact: This plan is proof that sometimes, humanity just can’t resist the urge to say, 'What’s the worst that could happen?'.
• Headline: Khrushchev Back in Moscow. Impact: Khrushchev's return to Moscow might have sparked a new secret plan to make the Soviet Union the next vacation hotspot, where the only souvenir is a lifetime supply of vodka.. Fact: Khrushchev’s famous for his shoe incident, but little known is his talent for dramatic entrances—like a political magician!.
• Headline: MURRAY DEPLORES ATOM ARMS POLICY; Stress on Big Weapons Held Unwise -- 122 Graduated at Manhattanville Rites. Impact: Murray’s disapproval of big weapons leads to a bizarre twist in history where countries start competing to create the tiniest, most adorable weapons instead, resulting in a world filled with miniature tanks.. Fact: Murray probably would have been much happier if they just focused on big hugs instead of big weapons..
• Headline: Drought Parches Yunnan. Impact: The drought in Yunnan could set off a chain reaction where people start hoarding water, leading to the world's first underground water trading market, complete with shady deals and water smugglers.. Fact: Droughts are nature's way of reminding us that we should’ve invested in a good water filter instead of that avocado toast..
• Headline: Mexican Teachers End Strike. Impact: The end of the teachers' strike means that students will return to their traditional roles as expert procrastinators, leading to an increase in coffee consumption among teachers everywhere.. Fact: Teachers striking is just like a student skipping class—everyone knows it’s for a good reason, but the real losers are the ones stuck at home..
• Headline: PRESIDENT TALKS WITH MACMILLAN ON WORLD ISSUES; British Leader Reports They Covered 'Every Subject Under Sun' at Parley NO DECISIONS IMPLIED Others at Long White House Session Include Dulles, Strauss and Twining PRESIDENT TALKS WITH MACMILLAN. Impact: Eisenhower's chat with Macmillan could lead to a secret pact to start a global game of 'telephone,' where every world issue is miscommunicated until everyone is confused and no one remembers what they were talking about.. Fact: They covered 'every subject under the sun'—but not a single one involved how to fix their respective countries’ potholes..