JUNE 9, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Soviet Composers Cleared of Charges. Impact: This musical endorsement led to a secret underground movement of avant-garde composers who, due to their newfound freedom, accidentally invented techno music. Thanks, Stalin!. Fact: Did you know that Shostakovich once wrote a symphony in just a few days to appease Stalin? Talk about a deadline!.
• Headline: College Fundraising Campaign of 1958. Impact: This desperate plea for funds sparked an entire generation of students to start GoFundMe campaigns for everything from tuition to avocado toast.. Fact: Fun fact: $3.1 million is still less than the amount college students collectively owe in student loans. Just saying!.
• Headline: Griswold's Insight on Administration Gaps. Impact: Griswold's observations opened a Pandora's box of academic jargon that would confuse students for decades to come, leading to an increase in caffeine consumption.. Fact: Yale has been known for its fancy terminology, yet it still couldn’t find a way to explain why students are perpetually broke..
• Headline: SALAZAR NOMINEE WINS IN PORTUGAL; Rival Presidential Candidate Gets High Protest Vote SALAZAR NOMINEE WINS IN PORTUGAL. Impact: The protests against Salazar’s regime inadvertently sparked the rise of political satire in Portugal, leading to the world’s most entertaining memes about authoritarian leaders.. Fact: Salazar’s regime was so unpopular that even his own reflection refused to support him!.
• Headline: Slight Seen in London. Impact: This slight triggered a series of diplomatic faux pas that would lead to an entire generation of British politicians developing a deep-seated need for tea and crumpets to cope.. Fact: The British press has been whining about something or another since time immemorial—probably over the last biscuit in the jar..
• Headline: DE GAULLE READY TO START ON TASK OF LEGAL REFORM; He Also Is Expected to Add Ministers at Session Today -- Senators Elected DE GAULLE READY TO START REFORM. Impact: De Gaulle’s legal reforms inadvertently led to a cascade of paperwork that would haunt French bureaucrats for centuries, resulting in France’s legendary reputation for inefficiency.. Fact: De Gaulle once quipped, 'How can anyone govern a nation that has 246 different kinds of cheese?' He was probably right!.
• Headline: BRIDGES IS HONORED; Senator and Others Receive Degrees From Norwich. Impact: This honorary degree led to a surge in politicians suddenly seeking degrees, resulting in a nationwide scandal involving universities handing out diplomas like candy.. Fact: Receiving an honorary degree is basically like getting a participation trophy—except it costs the university a lot more..
• Headline: 8 HONORED AT AMHERST; Editor Cautions on Space Age as 235 Are Graduated. Impact: The cautionary tone inspired future graduates to pursue careers in aerospace, inadvertently leading to a space race that ended with a lot of very confused astronauts.. Fact: Amherst College graduates have been known to be so smart that they can calculate the trajectory of their student loans!.
• Headline: Secularization Blocks Society, Pusey Warns. Impact: Pusey's warning initiated a cultural backlash that inspired a series of grassroots movements—many of which were ironically led by people who couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag.. Fact: Secularization is often blamed for society's ills, but have you tried blaming it on the Wi-Fi connection instead?.
• Headline: L. I. Welfare Fund Expands. Impact: The expansion of the welfare fund led to an unexpected increase in community services, resulting in the town being overrun by well-meaning volunteers and an alarming number of bake sales.. Fact: The only thing more expansive than the L.I. Welfare Fund is the list of excuses people use to avoid volunteering!.