JUNE 3, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Liberals Support Brown's House Bid. Impact: This endorsement may have caused a ripple effect that led to endless debates about 'what could have been' had someone else been chosen. Spoiler: it was always going to be the same. Fact: The Liberal party is like that friend who keeps saying they’ll get their life together but never does. Just look at their track record!.
• Headline: Legacy of Dr. Ogden F. Conkey. Impact: Dr. Ogden F. Conkey's name will be forever attached to a history of medical advancements, or at least an intriguing footnote in the annals of 'Who even was this guy?'. Fact: Conkey? Sounds like a name that would be more at home in a sitcom than in a history book!.
• Headline: LISBON IS ACCUSED OF VOTE DRIVE BARS. Impact: The clashes in Braga probably set off a series of unfortunate events that led to a whole new genre of political thrillers. Because nothing says 'good read' like riot-induced trauma. Fact: Vote drive bars? Sounds like the worst kind of happy hour – one where everyone leaves more bitter than they arrived.
• Headline: FRED A. HACKER. Impact: Fred A. Hacker might not have changed the world, but his name alone surely inspired at least a couple of conspiracy theories about hackers being in on it all. Fact: If only he’d been a better hacker, perhaps we’d have more interesting headlines today!.
• Headline: WALTER P. TOWNSEND. Impact: Walter P. Townsend's legacy may have taken a backseat, but who knows? Maybe he was the unsung hero of a secret society that shaped global cuisine. Fact: Walter P. Townsend: the name you won't remember, but the person who might have been your great-great-grandfather's friend!.
• Headline: HOUSE APPROVES CIVILIAN AGENCY ON OUTER SPACE; Military's Responsibility Cut -- A World Astronautics Agreement Is Urged HOUSE APPROVES OUTER SPACE UNIT. Impact: The establishment of a civilian agency for outer space could have led to aliens landing and demanding to speak to their manager. Thank goodness for bureaucracy, right?. Fact: Imagine if aliens showed up just to remind us of our own paperwork. Talk about a cosmic audit!.
• Headline: ORVILLE C. COMPTON. Impact: Orville C. Compton will be remembered as that guy who likely had a great name but not much else. You know, the unsung hero in the history of mediocrity. Fact: Orville? Sounds like he should have been in the business of making popcorn, not history!.
• Headline: ALGIERS IS BITTER, MASSU CONCEDES; But He Tells Crowd Visit by de Gaulle Tomorrow Will Assuage Feelings ALGIERS IS BITTER, MASSU CONCEDES. Impact: Massu's acknowledgment of bitterness in Algiers led to a long-standing tradition of diplomatic visits that were more about photo ops than actual resolution. Thanks, de Gaulle!. Fact: Algiers’ bitterness could rival the strongest cup of coffee. Just ask anyone who’s ever tried to negotiate peace!.
• Headline: DE GAULLE WINS REFORM POWER AFTER HE THREATENS TO RESIGN;; TUNIS IN U. N. PLEA Council Halts Debate in Hope of Direct Talks With Paris Security Council Begins Debate On Tunis Charge, but Adjourns. Impact: De Gaulle’s power play likely set off a chain reaction of political maneuverings that would put any soap opera to shame. Who knew politics could be so dramatic?. Fact: Threatening to resign is basically the political equivalent of a toddler throwing a tantrum. 'Fine! I’ll take my toys and go home!'.