MAY 30, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: O'Neal Declines Equity Presidency Again. Impact: If O'Neal had accepted the nomination, we might have been living in a reality where Hollywood actors are presidents—oh wait, we are! Thanks, O'Neal, for dodging that bullet.. Fact: Did you know that 'The Big Stick' is not a metaphor for diplomacy? O'Neal was likely just tired of people asking him how he feels about running the country..
• Headline: Sir Ralph Reed's Notable Contributions. Impact: Sir Ralph Reed's knighthood probably inspired countless future politicians to add 'Sir' to their names, leading to an unending list of 'Sir' this and 'Sir' that.. Fact: Did you know that being knighted means you get to wear a fancy outfit but still have to deal with all the same political nonsense? Sounds like a dream!.
• Headline: LEBANON MAY ASK A BORDER WATCH; International Unit Weighed to Bar Syrian Infiltration LEBANON MAY ASK A BORDER WATCH. Impact: Lebanon's request for a border watch has caused a ripple effect of international diplomacy that led to an increase in global bureaucracy—because who doesn’t love more red tape?. Fact: Did you know that asking for international help is like asking a neighbor to borrow sugar? It could lead to them taking over your kitchen..
• Headline: The de Gaulle Statement. Impact: De Gaulle's statements were so influential that they probably led to every future politician feeling the need to make grand declarations, regardless of how useless they might be.. Fact: Did you know that de Gaulle was known for his lengthy speeches? If only they had Twitter back then; he could have saved everyone a lot of time..
• Headline: F.B.I. STUDIES ELECTION; Looking Into Primary Defeat of Chandler Ally in House. Impact: The FBI's investigation into election shenanigans paved the way for future conspiracy theories and countless internet forums dedicated to discussing whether aliens control our elections.. Fact: Did you know that FBI investigations are like reality TV for politicians? Everyone's watching, but nobody wants to admit they care..
• Headline: ALBERT D. BERGMANN. Impact: Albert D. Bergmann's name may fade from history, but it paved the way for countless future 'D. Bergmanns' to emerge as experts in nothing and everything.. Fact: Did you know that having a middle initial is statistically linked to being more memorable? Good luck with that, Albert..
• Headline: PHYSICIAN IS JAILED FOR EVASION OF TAX. Impact: The physician’s tax evasion case might have inspired future doctors to be more creative with their tax strategies, leading to an entire subculture of 'creative accounting' in medicine.. Fact: Did you know that tax evasion is not just the 'doctor's orders'? In fact, it's highly frowned upon. Shocking, right?.