MAY 28, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Midwest Gas Companies Fight Monopoly Charges. Impact: If those gas companies had just admitted their monopoly, we might have seen a world without overpriced gas. But instead, they dug their heels in, and now we all ponder our life choices while filling up at the station.. Fact: Monopolies are like bad relationships; you know they're bad for you, but you can't help but stay because they make you feel comfortable..
• Headline: Dr. Eisenhower's Vision for Global Health. Impact: Dr. Milton Eisenhower's world medical science plan likely sparked a chain reaction where future doctors became obsessed with creating buzzwords like 'synergy' and 'holistic'.. Fact: World health plans are a lot like New Year's resolutions: everyone talks about them, but very few actually stick to them..
• Headline: Ferdinand C. Townsend's Contributions. Impact: Ferdinand Townsend's existence may have inspired countless people to come up with grand plans that ultimately go nowhere, proving that sometimes, you can just be remembered for having a cool name.. Fact: Ferdinand: a name so regal that it basically demands you to have a mustache and a monocle..
• Headline: SHIP SALE HALT URGED; Canadian Line Skippers Ask for Union Intervention. Impact: The Canadian line skippers asking for union intervention probably set off a series of labor movements that led to the birth of 'Why is my ship delayed?' memes.. Fact: Union intervention often leads to more negotiations than a toddler trying to negotiate bedtime..
• Headline: U. S. SHOWS POWER TO ASIAN LEADERS; Military of 17 Nations See 6-Day Weapons Display U.S. SHOWS POWER TO ASIANS LEADERS. Impact: The U.S. flexing its military muscles may have inadvertently inspired countless action movies where everything is resolved with explosions and bad one-liners.. Fact: Military displays are really just elaborate ways of saying 'Look at our toys!'.
• Headline: HARRIMAN SILENT ON RUNNING MATES; Says 4 Places on Fall Ticket Are 'Wide Open' -- Favors Free Hand for Convention. Impact: Harriman's open ticket for running mates likely led to a rush of politicians scrambling to prove they were the coolest kid on the block, resulting in decades of cringe-worthy campaign slogans.. Fact: Political nominations are basically a popularity contest, but with less honesty and more backstabbing..
• Headline: Soviet Bloc's Troop Cuts Minimized by Pentagon; REDS' TROOP CUTS DISCOUNTED IN U.S.. Impact: Minimizing Soviet troop cuts was the Pentagon's way of saying 'we're not scared,' which, spoiler alert, only led to more fear and paranoia during the Cold War.. Fact: When it comes to military assessments, the Pentagon is like that overconfident friend who says they're 'totally fine' while clearly needing a nap..
• Headline: HOUSE VOTE BALKS ALASKA AS STATE; But Tentative Action May Be Revised Today as Ballot Is Recorded. Impact: The House vote balking on Alaska's statehood probably sparked debates that would echo through the years, keeping the spirit of 'Can we just decide already?' alive and well.. Fact: Becoming a state is like being invited to a party; sometimes you just hope they’ll finally let you in..
• Headline: DIGNITARIES PAY STRITCH HOMAGE; Body of Cardinal Reposes in State in Rome -- Praise Voiced by Eisenhower. Impact: Dignitaries paying homage to Cardinal Stritch likely set the precedent for future public figures being honored in the most elaborate ways possible, because who doesn't want a grand funeral?. Fact: Funerals are basically the ultimate life celebration, just with a lot less cake and a lot more somber faces..