MAY 23, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Squaw Valley Agreement Resolved Dispute. Impact: The SQUAW VALLEY deal paved the way for future Olympic venues to negotiate without needing to bring in a family therapist. Little did they know, this would lead to a worldwide shortage of therapists, as they all got distracted by the glamour of sports. Fact: Did you know that squaw is considered a derogatory term in some circles? So, maybe they should have just called it ‘Valley of the Disputes’ instead.
• Headline: Key Choices for 1958 Elections. Impact: This political game of musical chairs ensured that the Democrats would continue to argue about the same issues for decades. Ultimately, the G.O.P. found a way to maintain their reputation for unpredictability, leading to endless debates over who could make the best campaign slogan. Fact: Fun fact: 'Both Parties Face Key Choices' could easily be the title of a soap opera. Spoiler alert: they still haven’t chosen.
• Headline: General Electric Wins Jet Engine Contract. Impact: The J-93 jet engines fueled the dreams of many future aviators, but also contributed to the increasing number of ‘how to get out of a plane’ tutorial videos on the internet. Who knew a jet engine could lead to a viral sensation?. Fact: Did you know that jet engines are just glorified fans? So, next time you’re hot, just think of how much cooler you’d be with a J-93 engine blowing on you.
• Headline: WESTCHESTER LOSES PUTNAM LINE PLEA. Impact: Westchester’s loss over the Putnam line plea signaled the beginning of a never-ending battle for public transportation that would leave commuters in a perpetual state of frustration for generations. Fact: Did you know that public transportation arguments are the Olympic sport of local governance? The medals? More delays.
• Headline: Bourguiba Warns of Peril Of an Attack From Algeria; Tunisian President Cites French Troops -- Paris Recalls North African Envoys -- New Armed Clash Is Reported BOURGUIBA SEES PERIL OF ATTACK. Impact: Bourguiba's warning helped set the stage for future diplomatic blunders, leading to a series of political debates that would leave historians scratching their heads and creating wild conspiracy theories about French forces. Fact: Did you know that when politicians warn about attacks, they’re often just trying to distract from their own unpopular decisions? Classic misdirection!.
• Headline: Postal Counsel Confirmed. Impact: H B Warburton's confirmation as postal counsel would inadvertently lead to the rise of email, making postal workers everywhere wonder if they should have invested in a time machine instead. Fact: Did you know that postal counsel sounds like a fancy term for someone who just tells you to use the post office? Spoiler alert: it is!.
• Headline: PLEA BY EINSTEIN'S SON; Urges High Schools to Teach Humanities and Sciences. Impact: Einstein's son urging schools to teach humanities and sciences set off a chain reaction of educational reform debates that would continue long after everyone forgot who Einstein was, but still remembered the importance of a well-rounded education. Fact: Did you know that teaching humanities and sciences is just a fancy way of saying ‘let’s make sure our kids can think and not just calculate their way through life’?.
• Headline: FRANCE'S CABINET ASKS FOR REFORM OF CONSTITUTION; Decides to Press for Wide Power to Fortify Regime Against Gaullist Bid PINAY VISITS DE GAULLE Ex-Premier Gets General's Views on How to Solve Crisis Over Algeria PARIS TAKES STEP TO FORTIFY REGIME. Impact: The French cabinet's push for constitutional reform led to a never-ending cycle of political changes that would ultimately confuse historians for centuries, as they tried to decipher what was actually happening. Fact: Did you know that constitutional reform is just a fancy way of saying 'let’s change the rules because we’re bored with the old ones?'.