MAY 17, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Anna M. Pflaumer's Milestone Event. Impact: Dr. Pflaumer's groundbreaking research on the effects of time travel made headlines, causing a butterfly effect that led to the invention of time-socks - the only fashion accessory that can keep you warm in any era. You're welcome, future generations.. Fact: Dr. Pflaumer once tried to invent a time machine using only a toaster and a rubber band. Spoiler: it didn't work..
• Headline: Ice Age Fossils Discovered in Peru. Impact: The discovery of these Ice Age fossils sparked a worldwide fascination with prehistoric creatures, leading to a boom in the creation of terrible dinosaur-themed movies and a never-ending series of documentaries narrated by David Attenborough.. Fact: The tar pits were so appealing that even the ancient animals probably thought they were going to a luxury spa. Spoiler: they were not..
• Headline: House Unit Votes on Defense Bill Changes. Impact: This compromise bill led to the long-standing tradition of Congress arguing over defense issues while secretly wishing they were actually on a beach somewhere. Thanks to this event, the phrase 'bipartisan agreement' was redefined as 'let's just agree to disagree until the next election.'. Fact: The House once voted to have a national 'take your dog to Congress' day, but it was quashed when they realized the dogs were more competent than the lawmakers..
• Headline: MME. IRMA SZIRMAI, HUNGARIAN PACIFIST. Impact: Mme. Szirmai’s peaceful activism inspired a generation of pacifists, resulting in an underground movement that believed the best way to solve conflicts was through interpretive dance. Spoiler: it didn’t go over well in boardrooms.. Fact: Irma once tried to pacify a grumpy bear by offering it a peace treaty written on a honey jar. Surprisingly, it worked... until the bear got hungry..
• Headline: SCHUPLER CASE OFF; Indictment Against the Late Ex-Councilman Quashed. Impact: The quashing of this indictment set a precedent that allowed future council members to believe they were untouchable, leading to a series of 'Oops, I did it again' moments in local governance.. Fact: The late ex-councilman was known for his famous last words: 'I swear, this time I was only borrowing the money.'.
• Headline: MRS. WALTER C. HANCOCK. Impact: Mrs. Hancock’s mundane life as a housewife inspired a generation of sitcoms that portrayed the glamorous lives of ordinary women… complete with laugh tracks and over-the-top shenanigans.. Fact: Legend has it that Mrs. Hancock once tried to organize a neighborhood bake sale but ended up accidentally creating a community-wide coffee spill instead..
• Headline: ERNEST H. MILLER. Impact: The passing of Ernest Miller left a void so large that it inspired a future generation of writers to create overly sentimental novels about loss that were so popular, they became their own genre.. Fact: Ernest once tried to start a pet rock business, but his rocks were too emotional and kept rolling away when he tried to sell them..
• Headline: CARL DREUTZER. Impact: Carl Dreutzer’s contributions to society led to a multitude of 'I can do that' moments among aspiring inventors, resulting in an explosion of quirky gadgets that nobody really needed but everyone bought anyway.. Fact: Carl was convinced that he could invent a self-tying shoelace, but all he managed to create was a very angry cat that got tangled in the prototype..