MAY 14, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Joint Chiefs Demand Increased Plutonium Production. Impact: The increased demand for plutonium led to a top-secret arms race, resulting in a future where cats ruled the world, simply because they were the only ones left to handle the fallout. Plutonium-powered catnip was the new currency.. Fact: Did you know that plutonium has no known uses in cat toys? Maybe that’s why the cats took over!.
• Headline: Mack Hurt While Mowing Lawn. Impact: Mack's broken nose led to a nationwide trend in lawn-care safety, resulting in the invention of the first self-mowing lawnmower that eventually became sentient and demanded rights.. Fact: Did you know that lawnmowers are statistically more likely to injure you than your ex? Just a thought..
• Headline: Singapore Charter Drafted. Impact: The drafting of the Singapore Charter set off a chain reaction of constitutional drafts worldwide, leading to a future where every country had its own version of a 'National Nap Day', because who doesn't love a good snooze?. Fact: Fun fact: The longest constitution in the world belongs to India, which is ironic because it’s also the longest nap you’ll ever take reading it..
• Headline: Peron Aide Jailed on Return. Impact: The jailing of Espejo created a political circus that led to the rise of reality TV in politics. In the future, every political drama was played out in front of live studio audiences.. Fact: Did you know that the prison system could have become a reality show? 'Survivor: Jail Edition' was almost a hit!.
• Headline: British See Rail Peace. Impact: The averted rail strike led to the introduction of a new, caffeine-fueled train system that ultimately resulted in the first-ever coffee-powered locomotive, which ironically caused a caffeine crash across the nation.. Fact: Fun fact: The National Railwaymen Union once tried to unionize coffee makers. It was a latte work!.
• Headline: RIOTERS IN PARIS HALTED BY POLICE; Right-Wing Mob, Bitter Over Algeria, Is Blocked in March on Assembly RIOTERS IN PARIS HALTED BY POLICE. Impact: The police halting the right-wing mob caused a ripple effect that led to the formation of a 'Peaceful Protest' movement, which ironically had more drama than a soap opera.. Fact: Did you know that peaceful protests sometimes need a designated 'drama queen' to spice things up? It’s all about the ratings!.
• Headline: Senate Approves Assayer. Impact: The Senate approving the assayer led to an unexpected boom in the gemstone market, resulting in a future where everyone wore crystals to assert their social status, and 'assayer' became the hottest job on LinkedIn.. Fact: Fun fact: Assayers have never been invited to a party. Apparently, they bring all the bad news about your gemstone investments..
• Headline: BUSY VISIT IS MADE BY SPANISH PRINCE; Don Juan Carlos Tours Art Museum and Columbia and Calls on Spellman. Impact: Don Juan Carlos's visit sparked a wave of royal tourism that led to an explosion of kitschy souvenir shops, making 'I Love My Spanish Prince' T-shirts a thing.. Fact: Did you know that royal visits often lead to the creation of new snack foods? 'Prince Chips' were a royal flop!.
• Headline: Nixon Tour a Fiasco, Moscow Radio Says. Impact: Nixon's tour fiasco prompted future politicians to hire PR specialists, eventually leading to the rise of the 'Spin Doctor', a profession now more common than actual doctors.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Spin Doctor' was originally a term for a really bad DJ. Now it’s just for politicians who can’t tell the truth..