MARCH 24, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Three Scientists Propose School Improvements. Impact: If only the U.S. high schools had taken this advice seriously, perhaps we'd have a world where people actually know how to do their taxes and not just how to binge-watch Netflix. Imagine a future where every student has a solid grasp of the Pythagorean theorem and no one fails adulthood!. Fact: Did you know that the average American high schooler spends about 7 hours a day on screens? So, yeah, good luck with that harder coursework!.
• Headline: Charter Change Efforts Fail in 1958. Impact: This charter change debacle is like that time you tried to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions. Spoiler alert: the furniture still isn't standing, and the mayor might just have to stick to playing Monopoly.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more complicated than a charter revision is trying to get a cat to take a bath. Good luck, Mayor Wagner!.
• Headline: New Leadership in Public Health Department. Impact: Naming a Public Health Director is so pivotal that it could lead to a future where everyone is suddenly obsessed with handwashing. Just wait until the hand sanitizer companies become the next tech billionaires.. Fact: Did you know that public health directors have to make decisions that could literally save lives? Talk about pressure!.
• Headline: Earth Tremor in Maine. Impact: This tremor in Maine may have caused a slight shift in the tectonic plates, but it also prompted a statewide debate over who makes the best lobster rolls. The real impact is on the local diners!. Fact: Did you know that Maine is the only state in the U.S. that has a single syllable? That's right, just like the sound you make when you hear about another earthquake!.
• Headline: Excerpts From Talks by Killian, Tuve and Rickover on Improving High Schools. Impact: The talks about improving high schools are like a broken record. They keep playing, and yet here we are, still figuring out if we should teach students how to balance a checkbook or how to make TikTok dances.. Fact: Did you know that if you put all the educational reform discussions together, it would probably reach the moon? Just like the education system's effectiveness!.
• Headline: Billboard Protest Urged. Impact: Billboard protests are the modern-day equivalent of shouting into the void. They sounded revolutionary until someone realized no one drives with their windows down anyway.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more attention-grabbing than a billboard protest is a cat video on the internet. So good luck with that, Kuchel!.
• Headline: The Theatre: San Francisco Wealth; Miller and Hellman on Play Group Bills. Impact: When discussions about San Francisco wealth happen, you can bet there will be a lot of eye-rolling from the rest of the country. 'Oh, they have money? How original!'. Fact: Did you know that San Francisco has more billionaires per capita than any other city? And they still complain about the cost of living!.
• Headline: Controversy on Deer Fly Speed Cited As a 'Pitfall of Scientific Illiteracy'. Impact: The controversy over deer fly speed could lead to future generations questioning every scientific claim they encounter. Just imagine a world where no one believes anything they read online!. Fact: Did you know that deer flies can actually bite? So, while they might not be the fastest creatures, they sure know how to make their presence known!.
• Headline: VARGA SOLO 'CELLIST WITH PHILHARMONIC. Impact: The performance of Varga in the Philharmonic could lead to a renaissance of cello appreciation, resulting in an influx of hipsters flocking to buy vintage cellos and start their own indie bands.. Fact: Did you know that the cello is the only instrument that can make you cry like a baby or swoon like a romantic? It's basically the diva of the orchestral world!.
• Headline: JAKARTA TROOPS DRIVE REBELS OUT OF U.S. OIL CENTER; Capture of Stanvac's Region in Sumatra Gives Regime Control of All Main Fields. Impact: Jakarta's troops driving out rebels could set off a chain reaction of geopolitical tensions that leads to an awkward family dinner where nobody wants to talk about politics.. Fact: Did you know that Sumatra is home to some of the most diverse wildlife in the world? Too bad the rebels weren't as well aware of that as the troops were!.