MARCH 10, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Meyner Proposes Tax Reform in NJ. Impact: Meyner's tax proposal leads to a series of bizarre tax loopholes that inspire future politicians to make even more convoluted tax codes, resulting in the birth of a new breed of accountant: the tax wizard.. Fact: Did you know tax laws are like bad relationships? They get complicated, you try to ignore them, but eventually, you have to face the music..
• Headline: NEW MUSIC DIRECTOR; John Barnett Is Named by National Orchestral Group. Impact: Barnett's appointment leads to an explosion of avant-garde music that confuses and annoys many, leading to the rise of a new genre: 'What on Earth is this?' music.. Fact: Being a music director is great – you get to tell the world what to listen to, and if they hate it, you can just say, 'It’s avant-garde, darling!'.
• Headline: Twelve-Tone; Works by Krenek and Ben Weber Offered. Impact: The twelve-tone technique sparks a musical revolution, giving birth to countless compositions that no one understands, but everyone pretends to appreciate at art parties.. Fact: Twelve-tone music: because why settle for a simple melody when you can have a headache?.
• Headline: NEW YORKERS VICTORS; Six-Man Bridge Team Wins Par-American Tourney. Impact: This bridge victory ignites a fierce competition that eventually leads to the establishment of a world-wide bridge league, where players dress like they're attending a funeral.. Fact: Bridge: the only sport where you can argue about your partner's bad play without ever leaving the comfort of your armchair..
• Headline: CHURCH ASKS LOVE FOR PUPILS IN '701'. Impact: The church's call for acceptance lays the groundwork for future movements advocating for inclusivity, leading to a world where 'love is love' becomes a common mantra.. Fact: It's always a good idea to spread love, unless you're at a buffet – then it's every person for themselves..
• Headline: PLAYHOUSE HERE READY TO REOPEN; Court-Named Receiver May Book Shows for National -- Lots of 'Lysistratas'. Impact: The reopening of the playhouse sparks a theatrical renaissance that transforms the cultural landscape, leading to a new appreciation for both classic and absurdist theater – and a lot of confused patrons.. Fact: Theater: where you can pay a lot of money to watch other people pretend to live lives more interesting than yours. Sounds like a good investment!.