MARCH 6, 1958

Full News Archive

• Headline: Canaveral's Satellite Mission Failure. Impact: The failure of this satellite led to a series of increasingly ludicrous designs for space missions. If only they had consulted a magic 8-ball first, we might have had a very different space race.. Fact: Dr. Van Allen later became famous for the Van Allen radiation belts. Guess he should've focused on keeping satellites in orbit instead of testing them all the way down to the ground..
• Headline: Pioneering Electronic Traffic Control Innovations. Impact: This moment marked the beginning of the end for human drivers. Soon, traffic lights would be plotting against us, and cars would be self-aware enough to judge our driving skills.. Fact: G.W. Wescott's presidency was so impactful that traffic lights now blink in his honor every time someone runs a red light. Truly a legacy..
• Headline: Senate Debates Capitol Extension Plans. Impact: This brave battle over a building extension inspired countless future politicians to fight over even more trivial issues, like the exact shade of beige for government walls.. Fact: In the Senate, 'fights' usually just involve a lot of shouting and waving papers. It's kind of like a toddler tantrum, but with more decorum and less actual fighting..
• Headline: HOUSE UNIT VOTES INFORMATION BILL. Impact: This bill opened the floodgates to government transparency, leading to the eventual creation of massive databases. Today, we can all enjoy the joy of government inefficiency at a click of a button!. Fact: The term 'housekeeping statute' is just a fancy way of saying, 'We really need to clean up this mess, but not too much.' Welcome to politics!.
• Headline: Indian Envoy Honored. Impact: Arab Mehta's honorary degree was a moment of goodwill that rippled through diplomatic relations, making future envoys hope for the same treatment, preferably with a side of free snacks.. Fact: Honorary degrees are like participation trophies for grown-ups. You get to feel important without actually having to do the work!.
• Headline: MONTREAL COURT SHIFTS TRIAL HERE; Uses Treaty Rights to Collect Bank Testimony in City on Fraud Charge. Impact: This trial set a precedent for international legal cooperation. Little did they know, it would lead to lawyers getting fancier suits and even more confusing legal jargon.. Fact: The phrase 'rogatory commission' sounds like a spell from Harry Potter, but it’s just lawyers trying to sound cooler than they really are..
• Headline: FUND AIDS BRONX STUDY; City to Outline 2-Year College Plan With $15,000 Grant. Impact: This funding sparked a college boom in the Bronx, which eventually led to the creation of more hipster coffee shops than anyone could handle.. Fact: With a $15,000 grant, Dr. Meister probably thought he struck gold. Meanwhile, college tuition has now skyrocketed to levels that make that grant look like pocket change..
• Headline: President Practices Golf. Impact: The President’s golf practice led to a national obsession with the sport, which has since resulted in more golf courses than schools. Because, priorities.. Fact: At this rate, golf should be recognized as an official sport in the next Olympics. Who doesn't want to see athletes compete in leisurely strolls while hitting small balls?.
• Headline: G.O.P. GETS NAMES IN PAYROLL ISSUE; Rosenman, Poletti, Appleby Found on Executive List G.O.P. GETS NAMES IN PAYROLL ISSUE. Impact: This payroll issue sparked a never-ending cycle of political scandals, proving that in politics, it’s not about what you know, but who you can pay to keep quiet.. Fact: In politics, the term 'payroll' is just a euphemism for 'let's make sure everyone involved is happy enough to not spill the beans.'.